My shoulder hurt so bad last night that laying down even propped up by 4 pillows did nothing for me. I am exhausted, but I wanted to see how my Streamers were doing.

Steven has been aloof since last night, and I have as well. I'm trying to think, but it's hard. I don't know how I should act. He was trying so hard to be sweet to me last night, and it makes me sad that he growled at me this morning, and barely spoke to me. Lacie thinks I ought to write him a letter and tell him how I feel. But I think I'm just gonna stick to my original plan and tell him that I can't decide right now.

Maybe it'll actually show him that I do so much for him.

I don't know that he sees it.

But I want a man who will love me for all the things I do for him.

So, these next few days I'm gonna step off, and maybe see if he'll appreciate me. If he really loves me, he'll show it. Otherwise....I'll find my own place.

I want to respect and have respect....
and I want to go to sleep at night knowing that I can trust the man I'm with to be on the computer when I'm sleeping.

Okay. I'm falling asleep. I'm gonna let you go.

I'm old fashioned. I think that men should behave in a certain way, and women should behave in a certain way. I believe that cyber sex is just as bad as having actual sex. The physical act may not have been done, but they still have attempted the act, tried to do it to the best of their ability, and succeeded.

I am torn. I am hurt.

I have been thinking upon this, and I don't know what to do, Streamers.

Steven confessed to me last night that he had cyber sex with another woman. At first I didn't know how to feel, and I was rather unfeeling about it. I told him that it was no big deal....rather than say that I needed time to think about it. But it's gnawing at me. A lot. To say the least, I feel like cancer is growing inside of me.

Tonight, I spoke with Steven, and explained that I was hurt, and I felt he had cheated on me with another woman. He was pretty quiet. He was upset that I had not told him that I was upset about it, and that I had pretended it was nothing. But last night was a really good night, and I didn't want to fight with him right before surgery. You never know what could happen.

He said that I was trying to be hurt to make him feel bad, and that I was just trying to hurt him. I was disappointed that he thought so highly of himself-it was definitely not about hurting him. I was trying to make him understand that I couldn't handle what he had done. To me, he could have gotten a hotel and slept with another woman, and I'd still say, "You cheated on me." The intent was there, the actions were there, to me-that's all there is to it.

I explained to him that I didn't care how long ago it had been, it was during our relationship, and it was a big deal to me. I told him that normally, I'd dump him and go. But....he is the father of my son, and I....I can't forget that.

So I told him that tonight was his one chance to tell me anything that he had done over the last year.

He told me that he had done nothing wrong- (besides that whole thing) and I don't know that I believe him.

He tells me to stop being so insecure, that he would never do anything to hurt me, but he did. And suddenly, all the walls are back into place. Suddenly, I don't know that I can trust him ever again.

I have told him that I need a few weeks to think on it.

He has told me that if I am expecting him to jump through hoops, forget it. He also told me that he loved me and that he wanted me to be with him.

Any advise?

So looks like I'm gonna type...because I can't lay down. I am tired. I am in pain. And now I am broke. Completely. COMPLETELY. Turns out that the money I had borrowed is taken out of my account. Heh. Glad I didn't spend any of my paycheck. Hehe.
And I got paid today, but obviously I am in no state to do anything. I try to lay down and my entire body hurts. I just have to be patient. Sharon is watching Alexander these next two days.

My whole body hurts...

I just wish the pain would stop. It's almost unbearable, it's making me nauseated. I'm gonna try walking around more, but I hope Steven hurrys.

Please hurry.

I'm here but not really. The surgery went okay, but I'm really weak, my stomach is very tender, with several bandages, and I am very tired. I'll be reading your blogs, but I can't write too much in mine right now.

I love you Streamers. Just hope I get better soon.

I think I'm falling apart. Literally. I really can see Steve coming in one day, working hard, soft smile on his face, only to find my arm. Then he walks up the stairs, and there's my torso. THe bedroom, a couple of feet. "Pull yourself together! AUGH!" And I would.

But the point of that most random thingy up there, that thingy-thing, is that I feel scattered. My mind is usually elsewhere these days, I sleep a lot, get cranky and rude easily, and I really don't like it. I used to be such a nice girl.

I think that the reason I stopped may be because I stopped really caring about my beliefs and my morals. Once I gave those up, I may have subconciously decided that I didn't care about anyone anymore. Mayhaps I ought to try reading the Word a bit? I just always feel so hypocritical doing it. Don't feel like I have any right reading it. Especially since almost everyone in the house is pagan. I don't like it, and I adamantly refused them having a pagan altar in the living room.... It's like this tiny whisper that says I ought to tolerate all faiths...I laugh at it now. No one tolerates anyone's faith.

IF they did, we wouldn't be requesting 10 Commandments taken out of courthouses. We'd just tolerate it. There are being intolerant of my religion because they insist I remove it from sight. How retarded has our nation become?
Makes me want to move to Canada.....but I'm not sure it'd be much better. "sigh*

"Why's he called Idaho Guy?"
"Because he looks like he should be from Idaho."