Sorry it took me so long to write back, Streamers. I've been busy with dealing with what was happening in my life, and I didn't want to even thnk about it.

Well, Steve and I have worked things out-we've decided to keep trying and see if we can't work things out. We realised that we both were doing things the wrong way, and decided it'd really be good for the both of us if we worked on changing it. With that said, I have promised Steven that we wouldn't talk about it all the time, nor would I throw it in his face in an argument.

But I will talk about it here, because without that, I wouldn't be able to talk at all. And if I can't talk about how I feel, then I'm definitely not ready for this.

Patrick is being the largest asshat on the planet. He decided to send me this great myspace message that said things like, "I was holding this information, because it didn't benefit me to tell you," and "Now that things have come to a full circle, there are things I think you ought to know" blah, blah blah.

So yeah. Drama on the streets. Anyway, battery on my laptop is dying and I can't hook up here-I'll post again another time. Until then...PEACE.

Steve was cheating on me with another girl over the internet. They really had an infatuation for each other, and I am so hurt. I talked to her, who I'll keep as DT....and let her know that I knew about the relationship. I told her that I didn't appreciate it. I told her that she had ruined a relationship by not being honest with me when I had talked to her the first time.

The first time I talked to DT was on January 1st.
I asked her what was going on between her and Steven...she told me it was harmless flirting. Steven sat downstairs for a bit, but when he realised I was talking to her...he hovered around to see what I was doing.

Then as soon as I got off, DT Im'd Pat, my old roommate, and warned him to tell Steve that I had talked to her and she had lied to me. Patrick knew that Steven had been having an affair with this girl...and had the fucking audacity to tell me that I needed to have more faith in Steven. To trust him. When that little conniving asswipe knew. And helped them keep things a secret.

It doesn't even compare to what I feel about Steven. I don't even want him to touch me. I can't look at him, I can't touch him...I can barely speak to him. We had a ride in the car and we talked about what it all meant, and what we wanted to do.

I remain...uncertain. I don't want to not have my child on the weekends....I don't want any of it. I don't want this stupid relationship to end. I hate myself. I hate Steven. I hate everything...I can't help but think what I did wrong to make this happen. He says my personality, and how I'd been acting these past few weeks had driven him to it. He says that my bad mouthing his family and friends had made him distance himself from me. He acknowledged that it didn't make what he did right, but it was the reasons he had given himself for doing it.

I hate the computer now. I can't stand Second Life. I hate even walking in the kitchen.
This morning I woke up, my heart aching, Steven had left for work. I immediately took two sleeping pills. I just couldn't handle the pain right now. I feel destroyed. I feel broken. I feel empty and ugly and torn apart. I feel like I've been whipped and then beaten, and I have a hard time even breathing. Streamers, I can't stop crying.

I haven't eaten since yesterday. Maybe he cheated because I was too fat. Maybe he did it because he couldn't stand that I was unable to take care of Alex due to surgery.

I don't know for sure. He gave me a lot of reasons...and I hate them. He keeps himself away....but says that if I stay, he would try harder, and never do anything like that again. But I don't trust him anymore. I don't see anything but pain when I look at him.

They say that a relationship means forgiving....I could never forget this...and they say that relationships have their ups and downs. They say that a relationship requires grace...

How much grace should I have? Depends....I'll see.

In the mean time, I kind of keep myself seperate from Steven and I plan on keeping it that way. I recognise that I have some changing to do with my attitude. I am definitely going to keep a can on some of my more personal thoughts...and hopefully that will help. And I will try to be a better person...not because of Steve....but because I want to love myself again.

Keep my in your prayers...I don't know what to do.

I found out Steven was cheating on me today. I don't know what to do.

Right now....I'm just trying to keep my will to live. The one I tried to be with....is sleeping with someone else. And he doesn't know I know. I don't know how I can talk to him tonight.

I have a friend, her name is Lisa. Affectionately, Leesah is how I spell it.

Lisa gave birth to a baby boy on Dec 24, 2006. She barely survived, hemorraging severely, and her baby boy had lost half of his brain, and was barely breathing.

Dec. 26th, his lungs filled up with blood. Doctors saved him, but stopped doing blood transfusions because his kidneys and other organs were failing.

They informed Lisa, and she made the decision, painfully, to let her son go.

They took him off the tubes and pain meds, and took him into another room. The last few minutes, they spent with him, and then he was gone.

I can't stop crying, and I want to hold Lisa....the pain is so much for her right now. I don't know how I could handle anything that she has gone through.

Please pray for Lisa, if you believe. If you don't, then hope outloud. Pray that she recovers physically, and that she has tons of support. Pray that she remains strong and grows the ability to smile again...

pray that my lisa doesn't diminish under this, because I can't see this world without my friend that has brought me so much love and wonder.

1. What is the one thing you cannot leave home without?
Clothes....generally speaking it's against the law.
2. When is the last time you threw a snowball at someone?
The last time that happened, I went into Witness Protection, capeesh?
3. What is on the wall over your bed?
Nothing yet...still waiting for my Bed Bath and Beyond stuff to come in
4. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
Dasher Dncer Prancer Vixen Comet Cupid Donder Blitzen...and the one red nosed one...rudolf...
5. Do you grill out in the winter time?
It's Idaho. Nuff said.
6. Can you put a worm on a hook?
Nope. Tried once, sliced my finger, got a shot, cried, and never again.
7. Will Santa be arriving down your chimney or through the front door?
Back sliding door. No chimney here.
8. What is your favorite chocolate treat?
Lindt white chocolate truffles, or milk chocolate.
9. If you could say one thing to a cannibal to persuade him not to eat you, what would you say?
LOOK! A human grinding maching! *poof*
10. Do you prefer Italian, Mexican or Chinese food the most?
Ita-xican.
11. Do you prefer all white Christmas lights or multi-colored lights?
multi....because Alex likes to stare at them, and then I get R&R
12. Do you own a pair of snow boots? What color are they?
no. but if I did, they'd be soft brown.
13. Do you have a holiday tradition that has been passed down to you or that you have passed down to your children? What is it?
Santa Piles. We would get presents that weren't wrapped, but just kinda there....it was cool.
14. Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
As soon as we were allowed, but generally Christmas Eve and Day.
15. Name the last good deed you did for someone. If you can’t think of one… can you promise to do a random act of kindness to a stranger before Dec 31st?
Since it's past Dec. 31st, I'm gonna have to reach on this one.....
Making biscuits.
16. What does a typical Christmas dinner consist of in your house for the holidays?
Ham, Turkey, and this year an array of green bean casserole. Someone forgot to coordinate.
17. On the Island of Misfit Toys, which one would you choose to take home?
The elf.
18. What is a favorite children’s story that you loved as a kid?
Heidi. I cried.
19. What is something nice that you do for just you?
Scrapbooking.
20. Are you a hugger or a hand-shaker when you greet or say goodbye to close friends?
handshaker and hugger. Depends on if they smell nice.

And Now for Belle’s additions:
1-Favorite chocolate? White
2-What color is your bedspread/comforter? Deep red.
3-Last vehicle, other than yours, that you rode in? Monte Carlo
4-Which is more romantic...flowers or chocolate? flowers...'cause I can use 'em in scrapbooking if I press them.
5-One of your favorite possessions?
books
6-Your most annoying trait?
I'm bossy
7-Best place you've gone on vacation?
Va-ca....tion? What is this vacation you speak of?
8-Who knows the most about you?
Steven.....yet he's still in the same bed as me. It's strange.
9-Last thing you bought for yourself?
White Chocolate Truffles?
10-What blogger would you most like to catch under the mistletoe?
uh...heh. I just on Steve's back for cybering...now ain't the best time.
11-Last place you drove to?
I didn't drive anywhere, but I did go to Michaels yesterday with Steve. They were having a sale.
12-Describe your favorite place to be?
Lavenworth. German food, lots o cheese, and its a few hours away.
13-If you could be a bird for a day, where would you go?
To the coast....or Canada.
14-True or False: "If you can't be, with the one you love, love the one you're with?"
True
15- Do you own the complete season DVD's of any TV shows?
Family Guy..Friends...Futurama...Full Metal Alchemist...Fruits Basket...
16-First line to your favorite song?
"I wasn't lookin' for a lifetime with you..."
17-How do you like your eggs?
scrambled with cheese and hasbrowns mixed
18-Last person you kissed in an automobile?
Steven
19-Last Christmas special you watched?
Heroes marathon? That count?
20-Are diamonds a girls best friend? If the pawn shop will trade them in and let me get that sweet acoustic guitar....maybe. Otherwise, I don't see the use in them.

Thanks Whispered Promises.