Yeah...heh....I do.

So, I'm actually going to have to go to a different site for a while....blogger.com or something. I can't find one that works at work yet, but I have so much time at work during the down time between calls, and no time at home.
BUT! When I find it, I will upload the appropriate URL and let ya'll post on me blog.

Sunday morning.
Ugh.

Wendy and I went out for breakfast today, and I had fun. We talked, and we spilled out our frustrations, and we were mad at the waitress. It was great.

Steve and I are kinda doing better-were in this stupid vicious cycle where we are happy, then we get tense, then we fight, then we get in the honeymoon phase, and then it starts all over again. We didn't even realise it until last night when Jerry came over and was talking about his relationship with his fiance.

It's kinda sad that it's gotten that bad in our relationship, eh?

I was looking at the conversations I had saved that the other woman had sent me...I can't seem to stop. I know it doesn't help the healing process. I don't know what will. I know that I keep reading the cutesy little remarks, the "I'm going to pounce you later" remarks...everything. And I know it leaves a large ache inside of me.

I am falling out of love, I think. I dunno. Is it so bad that I have a problem with him cheating on me with another woman? Even if it was just a cyber relationship?

Maybe I ought to have one. I feel lonely. I feel like it's time to move on. I feel like crying because I love Steve. I wonder if I should wait and see if things get better?

Steve lost his job-again. I looked back, and he's lost 3 jobs in 6 months. Though this last one wasn't really his fault. I was having surgery and he had to come pick me up. No one else could do it but him, and they gave him an occurance for it. He even told them 3 days in advance that he was going to have to do it and that no one else could, and they said "tough luck."
Bastards.

I also have a sad, and private confession to make: to cope with the stress of the cheating, the baby, work, and now being the only one working, I succumbed to the pressure of smoking.
I'm not doing a pack a day by any means, but I do have one probably 2 times a day. Once in the morning and once at night.

Alexander is now shooting forward-he can lunge inches to grab hair or pens, or whatever else he wants. We have to be very careful now, and keep the floor spotless.

Taxes are coming up, and I don't want to deal with them, at all. In any way shape or form.

Such is life. I guess I just don't care anymore, ya know? I just wish time would stop. I wish that I didn't have to take care of my son or deal with Steve, or cry myself to sleep when he isn't in the room....
I'm unhappy, in fact, I'm bitter. But I believe I love him still, and that to me gives me plenty of reason to keep trying. To forgive and move forward. To heal and grow.

Lord knows I need to heal....but how?

In other news, Lacey has a new toy of the week-his name is Jacob. He is literally a Johnny Depp look-alike. The face shape, eyes, and smile. It's amazing. And he's also very loud at sex. Trust me. They were in the room right next to us.

I think I want to get my car and drivers license. So I can feel more freedom.

OKAY!

So, this has been an interesting week!

I went and saw Hinder-which was awesome.

I went and saw Cara, one of my friends from work-more awesome still.

I went to work and did almost nothing the entire day and got PRAISED for it-totally awesome.

And I looked fetching in a halter top with a cardigan and some nice black pants.

Teehee.

I have decided that change needs to happen!

However....I will type more on my lappy-this keyboard really sucks!

falafel.

falafel falafel falafel.

Okay, that is the funnest word ever.

What do you do, Streamers, when you sit in the car, the man you have adored for almost a year and a half, and it hits you that you don't know what to do. You're at a crossroads-and you realise you don't know if you can love any more...ever.

I think of Gabe and I get a trill in my stomach.

I think of Steve...and I'm hurt. And I yearn to accept, and hope...and love.

I'm gonna keep fighting. Relationships...they do the whole up and down thing. I figure we have had a hard turn. But I have to have faith. I have to hope. I have to believe that he really loves me.

If no one loves me...then what is left.

I love because I want love....and I know that when my hand reaches for the door, he reaches out, tears in his eyes, and begs that I don't go...because he loves me.

I just can't help it. I'm a fool in love with a fool.

And I can't live without love.

I keep typing monosyllabic message titles, don't I? Ah well. It's not that big of a deal....is it?

SO, as the world turns-my tummy is healing nicely-all the bandages are gone, (w00t) and my scars are still rather tender, but healing slowly.

I am bothered by my room mates a bit, but I suppose that when everyone lives in a house like this, things tend to get...erm...complicated. People tend to start snapping, and we start to notice things about our room mates that bug the crap out of us.

For instance:

Lacie bosses Steve around all the time, and when him and I have even the slightest disagreement of opinion, she jumps in and says "all right, you two, enough. You don't have to fight." This morning I finally snapped and said: "We're a couple. We are allowed to disagree. You don't need to mediate our conversation."
Frustrating.

Clint is being walked all over. I don't use his computer at all, and if I do, it's only when he's asleep or gone. I understand the need to respect other peoples privacy-and someone has downloaded a ton of music on his machine, and he was frustrated that he only downloaded maybe 15 of the 300 songs on the computer. So he changed the password and now no one is allowed on the computer at all.

Well, if Clint wants to take a bigger part of the bill, fine. That's entirely his perrogative. I know that Lacey is bummed, but he'll melt in a week or two.

Nathan has his friends over all the time, pretty much with out warning, and they stay. Forever. Like Chuck for instance. Chuck never leaves. He drinks, attacks cops, gets thrown in jail constantly, and is a bigger moron than most of Nathans friends. Chuck is kinda...bugging me.

And Nathan just plain isn't paying any bills, hasn't done anything to generate income, and is in trouble with the law again, this time for DUI, Suspended License, No Insurance.

Smart Nathan. Smart.

So I'm frustrated with the roomies, but their isn't much that I can do about any of it, nor am I willing to. Steve says that I am alienating his friends: I try not to-but I hate it when people just keep being oblivious. I made dinner-I got a coffe cup of the stuff. Everyone else had mounds of the stuff in the dishes that I bought. And then left them all over the house and complained that they didn't want to do the dishes and that he should do them or that she had done them last.

Then Clint made a remark that we needed to "warn him" each night that we have sex because we apparantly are *loud* and make thumping noises.

Actually, we haven't in a while, so it's Lacie doing it. And the only reason I know that is because Lacie rocks out. It's not an embarassing thing-whatever. She does it, that's cool. But I'm not gonna warn my room mates that Steven and I plan on having sex. It's our room, we're gonna have sex. So I did warn Clint. I said:
"Clint-I just want to warn you-Steven and I may have sex tonight. Also tomorrow night. And the next night and the next night and the next night. Because that's what we do."

I think I offended him.

I know Lacie was bummed that I kicked her off my computer-but I hate that people use my lappy. It's a protective thing. I have my stuff in here that I want no one else to see, and I'm protective of my lappy in almost a maternal sense.

*sigh*

I went back to work today. They made me sit with people the entire day and listen to calls:
Well, one of my friends Adam was taking this call, and I was critiquing him, and decided to sing about how horribly he had done in a song. When I was done with the last verses, our supervisor, Susan, comes over, literally as the last note died, and commended him on his last call about how well he had done.
Adam says that it was awesome-very "keen." I guess keen is the new boss.

I wonder sometimes what it might be like to date Adam, being that he and Steven are so much alike. Except that Adam is very clean, and very...I guess....in control. He seems almost scared to lose control of his life.
But he is a dear friend, and someone I have counted on to get me through the day. Hopefully that remains the way it should.

This Sunday, Steven is taking me to go see one of my favorite bands, Hinder. If that doesn't ring a bell, the big song of theirs is Lips of an Angel. If THAT doesn't do it for you, the chorus line:

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name'
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never want to say goodbye
But God you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an Angel.

When I hear that song, I think of Gabe. Because I know that as much as I would love to kiss him, I am already with another man.
And unlike the other man, I am faithful. Very much so.

I am "keen."