So. This morning was a crazy turn of events for Steve and I.

I was playing this online game, letting Steve sleep in, and worrying about bills. We had Car payments, car insurance, groceries, gas, rent, all sorts of stuff. And we had nothing coming in that would help us pay for it.

I was on bedrest for 3 days, or out of work, because the doctor told me so.

I woke Steve up, and we laid there, and I relayed my problems to him about my fears of money and stuff. And we both were stressed out, so it seemed. We both were really stressed out.

So he went outside to smoke, and I followed, and tentatively, I asked him if he wanted to go check the mail. Maybe some sort of miracle may come. In the form of a tax return? God only knows why, but when we approached the mail box, fear and a little hope in the mix, there it lay! Our Salvation! The tax return!

So, we're now going to go pay rent, and buy some groceries, and then put the rest away. Still not sure how EVERYTHING is gonna get paid, but we now can breathe a wee bit easier.

God really does always catch us in the nick of time. He really, really does.

Last night I got an instant message:

"I wish I could kiss you again."

Immediately my knees grew weak, and a feeling of desire swept through my body.

Humiliated that it'd have that affect, I fought to ignore the remark. I turned the subject to safer, much easier waters.

"We had some passionate kisses in our time....God, they're all I can think about....but we both know we can never do anything about it...what am I supposed to do? Just pretend you never happened? I can't. You're burned into my heart, my very being....I want to hold you."

He kept saying things-I grew so weak.

I eventually just told him I had to go, and got off.

I am in love with another man. I can't stop thinking of him. And I suddenly don't know how far it'll go. And that scares me more than life.

So, today Steve scared the living crap out of me, and I pretty much lost it.

I went to work to drop off chili mac for this potluck that my department was having. Steve and I had made it a point to just have him come back in an hour to get me.

So, about 35 minutes after I get there, munch and get really weak and tired, I try to call home to have Steve come and get me.

No answer....



I call again about 5 minutes later:

Nothing.

At this point I was really tired, kinda in pain, and people were looking at me funny, because I wasn't in work-related attire. I'd come in a sundress, just to drop off and talk to Jess and get out.

I called several more times. Still no answer. Suddenly, I started to worry. I hate it when I worry, because worrying usually includes a bought of Worst Case Scenarios. I couldn't think of any reason that Steve would not be at the house, phone nearby. He wasn't going job hunting at the moment, he had no plans to hang out with friends, and he had already acknowledged that I would call him when it was time to come and get me.

After several calls, and no other way to get ahold of him, I started frantically waiting at the exit, hoping I'd see him, thinking he must've not heard the phone or something.

But inside, all I could think of was car accident, murder, soemthing or that calibur.

My big brother Adam walked in and saw me trying to keep it together just as security started to interrogate me-asking where my badge was, did I know what the dress code was, why was I here....my brother Adam is well known, and well respected. So when he came up and asked what was wrong, I told him, and he said "I'll be right back." The security people looked at him and asked how he knew me-"She's my little sister," he growled.
My brother Adam has a deep, stern voice that really captures attention.
Immediately, they nodded and steppd back, as I cried. I was losing it. My worst fears-steve was almost a 1/2 hour late, and I was sure he had gotten himself hurt somehow.

Adam disappeared and I sat on a chair, breathing, trying to calm down.
A HR person came over and asked me if i was okay. I nodded and looked away to control myself, and saw Steve's familiar, non-thrashed, car, pull into view.
I asked her to go tell Adam he had shown up and walked out the doors.
Steve opened the door and smiled.



"Where were you?" I snarled, half sobbing, half screaming.
Steve was taken aback by my tone, because he seemed to shrink towards his car door.
"I couldn't find the phone, and then I did find it and I came to get you....."

"Don't you ever do that to me again!"

And then I lost it and bawled into his shoulder, and told him what I thought had happened. He held me and kept whispering it was okay, and he was so sorry, and took me home.

Emotionally and Physically I must have been drained. Because as soon as I laid down and he curled up next to me to hold me and kiss me, I was pretty much asleep on his shoulder, and Kairi was curled up on mine...oh! Which reminds me!




Some pictures of Kairi! She is a cutie--except that she's already scarred both Steve and I on our arms--I doubt we'll ever get rid of thos marks!

I didn't think it'd be this hard.

I didn't think it'd be so deep.

I didn't think I was so weak.

And yet....even though the poison is pushing me more and more....I can't help it. A taste. Just a taste.

I hate myself for it. What do I do. He's gone for good now. I've pushed him away. But I hate myself. I hate myself for thoughts. Feelings. Fantasies.....

34 weeks and 2 days, as of today.

I'm ready to have him out, honestly.

It's about 8:30, and I'm berating myself. For some reason, this morning, my alarm clock and I were hating each other, and I ripped it out of the plug-in. It lays at the foot of the bed like a dead, defeated, and depressed.....thing.

Steve woke up and I asked him to check the time, just a few minutes ago, and he said, "Well,you're gonna be late." I said that was okay, and suddenly he just kinda exploded. "How is that okay?" he didn't really yell it, but I could hear the anger, and see it in his eyes, even if he was trying his damndest to look calm and controlled.
I felt bad about it, but I shouldn't even be working right now. I should be home, cleaning, making stuff, getting ready for my baby to be here.
Not at work, being yelled at by customers who can't understand why bills are paid or what taxes are.

I think I'm gonna go part time today. Job or no job, I can't handle this anymore, evenif we "need" the money. I can't handle it. If it's too much work for me to even try and load the dishwasher, and if I'm tired after sitting at the computer for more than an hour at a time....it's time for me to just take a break and relax.
I want Steve to provide for a while, not me.

I want to relax. I can't take the stress anymore.