Oy vey.

I'm a tired person.

Good news: Steve finally starts work tomorrow. From 9-5. Walmart called him moments before he was gonna call them.

Good news: His parents gave us a good sum of money for food. And filled our gas tank! I guess they were so relieved that Steve was actually starting that they were willing to give anything.

Good news: I got to have fries today. Oh, and last night, Steve made me mashed potatoes with Country gravy, biscuits and green beans. He doth love me much. I even got a baked potato. Mmm. I love the spuds.

Meh News: Nothing to report with the pregnancy, I'm still pregnant, though many thought I would have this baby by the 4th. We're waging a weight war, to see how much the baby will weigh. I think the baby will be 7 lbs 9 ounces. Though he'll probably be pounds more.

Bad News: My mom, (I knew it would happen.....) has told me that she is postponing the baby crib, dresser and changing table. She didn't think that going to Michigan to help move my grandma would cost so much.
*sigh* Not that I'm ungrateful, but I can't help but feel as if she's never gonna get it. Ever. I think she was just saying it at the baby shower to save face. Now that not everyone is watching her, she can put it off and put it off. So much for counting on her to do what she promised.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just that I already knew that she wasn't gonna follow through. I mean, Sharon paid for the bassinette, the stroller, the shelf, the rocker, the clothes, the diaper service. She's bought the car seat, etc.
Mom, and Dad? Nothing. Mom is still procrastinating on making me the dinner that she promised to make me before the baby comes.
I almost don't want her in the delivery room with me. Why? Because she doesn't deserve it. She was barely there for the pregnancy, maybe called me a few times. Once Ashley showed up in the picture again, after disappeariong and being the black sheep of the family, I was suddenly no longer important. Then Amber got pregnant. Suddenly, it was as if I wasn't even alive.

I feel ungrateful. I feel hateful. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I feel really taken advantage of.

*sigh*

Bad News: I'm an emotional wreck. I came unglued today severely and talked about how much I hated myself. I think Steve is getting tired of me saying:
A) I hate myself. I'm so stupid, and fat, and ugly, and dumb.
B) Why are you with me. Do something smart and leave.
C) Why don't you clean more? Get off the computer and do something...

Although, he did promise to clean the bedroom tonight.....and yet again, he failed to follow through. I went to Walmart with him, and stayed in a wheelchair the entire time. I wheeled around because I couldn't stand on my feet.
We go home, and Steve puts the food away. Gabe calls, so I talk to him, and I go outside because its warm in my room. I come back inside: the room is untouched. There are dishes on the floor. The kitchen is untouched. Dirty dishes everywhere. (and he wonders why we have bug issues) The living room and the bathroom: still a pig sty. The baby's room? Inflatable bed and all the crap still exactly where it was since Saturday.
I was on the phone for a fair amount of time, apparantly like an hour: and nothing was done. I'm so sick of it.
What sucks worse? The fact I'm more angry that I can't do any of it. I can't pick up anything, because my thighs and stomach hurt and stretch. Hell, the stretch marks on my stomach are occasionally bleeding. Typing for more than about 30 minutes makes my hands swell, and if I don't keep my feet up for about 1/2 of the day, I'm a wreck by the end of the night.
I'm tired of nagging him, and feeling like a shrew. I'm more tired of him getting upset when I tell him to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I contribute to the mess. But I can't really pick it up. ARRG. It's a cycle.
I don't understand how he thinks doing dishes once every 3 or 4 days is an okay thing. Or leaving food out is acceptable, especially with the spiders I find EVERYWHERE. IF I don't open my eyes and a spider is chilling on my bedroom ceiling, it's in the bathroom, or hiding in the dirty clothes, or, most often, scuttling out when I move dishes. I'm tired of going in for a bowl of cereal only to find
A) No bowls
B) No spoons
C) No milk.

And now he's being even more irresponsible. He has to be at work at 9:00 tomorrow morning. Meaning, he has to leave at 8:30 tomorrow morning-you want to make a good impression. Yet, it's after 12:00, and he's still up, reading. When I advised him to go to bed, he got all pissy and said his mouth hurt.
Maybe he should try brushing his teeth more than once a week. He wonders why his teeth are so bad.....*sigh*.

Bad News: Gabe and I were talking, and we both realised that the 4th of July last year was the day that he broke up with me. He talked about how much he missed me, and visa versa. Much as I hate myself, I still love him, like him, miss him. I've confided into Steve my feelings, because I don't want to tempt myself.
But he is so very tempting. He told me about how he wished he'd taken me back quickly, before I got tired of waiting. He said he wished he could assuge my fear of motorcycles by throwing me on the back of his, and taking me to the Oregon Coast. Three of my biggest dreams: Road tripping, Trying something dangerous, and seeing the ocean. I tried to talk to Steve about it, but he just asked for his book and ignored me.
Gabe asked me if there was no baby, and I knew how much he wanted me back, would I leave Steve for him....at first I told him I didn't know. To be honest, I don't know that Steve and I would be together had it not been for Alexanders existence. We tried to make things work for that reason. Otherwise, we would've broken up, probably over the winter. He lied to me many times, and got angry, and ignored me. He chose a night club over our sixth month anniversary.....which broke my heart immensely....
I still hurt about that. It's a daily effort to let that go. I try not to throw that in his face, but sometimes, events hurt so much that the pain never really goes away. I want him to be sorry, I want him to tell me he wished he'd never done it. But he wont. He doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I'm trying to let it go. But it hurts so much and the hurt doesn't go away, no matter how much I try to make it.
Gabe asked me again if I would leave him: and I said maybe. I'm not sure if I could ever leave Steve. I'd look at his tiger-eyes just once, and my whole inside would just burst apart in pain....
but Gabe.....really really loves me, and is truly interested in me....it's like a Streamer once said: The grass truly is greener on the other side. Steve and I are now comfortable...so things aren't all that exciting all the time. With Gabe, it's like new with everything. New romance, new thrills.....but down the road, it'd be the same. We'd get used to each other, and things could very well go sour. Why lose a good family man and someone who handles me even when I scream and yell, at the thought of a possible better happiness. How can I gamble on my family??? Granted, I'm unhappy in the sex department right now, as well as the romance department, but not all men are sex freaks, nor are they romantics.
Maybe things will look up.

The more I talked to Gabe, the more I realised we'd both missed each other. I told him that I was sorry I hadn't waited for him, but in my defense, I *had* told him when he broke up with me that I didn't do second chances. If it wasn't working right the first time, what made me think he wasn't gonna run at the sign of trouble again?
I really think that had we stayed together, he'd have left me by now. I'd have caused tons of problems.
What frustrates me the most is now he's saying he'd really be there for me and the baby.
It's better to move on, I suppose. But how does one move on from someone who haunts their dreams, their thoughts.....their fantasies?

Frustrating. But, again, I told him that I was with Steven, and it was with Steven that I would stay.

We both long to touch, to feel, to kiss, to immerse in each other again. But we can't. And thats how it stays.

I just wish Steve would notice me more. I feel so fat...so ugly. He always says the same two things: "Did you know that I love you?" "You're beautiful." Every time I turn around. It's not that I'm sick of it, per say. I just wish there was some variety. I wish sometimes that he wouldn't just press his lips against mine, but that he'd tease me with his lips. I wish we'd make out once in a while that wasn't sex. I wish that I could see his desire for me in his eyes. But as Steve has said, sex isn't really big to him.
I guess its true:
90% of a relationship is sex for the person who isn't being fulfilled, and 10% of the relationship for the one who's satisfied.

Steve's satisfied, but I'm miserable. I want more excitement in the bedroom ,more to do.....

I guess tonight was a night I needed to vent. *sigh* go figure.
Well, guess I'm gonna brave my grumpy man to try and make him sleep. It's been about 1/2 an hour, so those rapid release gel caps ought to be working now.

Here's to hoping I have a son tomorrow.

I went to the doctors office today to see if there was any update on the good ol' cervix and when I was gonna have a baby to look at.

And she told me that my cervix had "redialated"...unfancy for it shrank down to 2 cm......
And then she told me that she'd induce me on next Monday at 7:00 in the morning if I didn't have the baby by then.



I'm losing it! I'm going nuts waiting for my baby to be born!

On the plus side of things, she *did* give me some Ambien to help me sleep. Now let me tell you....Ambien is a dangerous thing to take. Makes you talk CRAZY and do stuff you wouldn't do.

I remember only bits and pieces, but I remember yelling at Steve and telling him that he should leave before I hurt him, and telling him how terrible I was, and that I hated myself. I called him stupid, which is a big no-no in Steveland. I'm amazed he was so okay with it. He just held me close, and kept telling me I was a wonderful person.
Then we started watching some sort of.....movie...but I don't remember it, which makes him happy, because now we can watch it again. LOL.

Other than that, not much. I've decided both of the mothers in my life are psychotic and I don't want either of them to be near my son. I know Walmart transfers if the persons good enough. And my Steve is a good person.



So, I'll probably write later. I know I haven't been all that frequent, (guilty look) but my feet and hands swell up if I sit down for a long period of time. *urg*

Gabe is in Nevada. He is fighting fires. But he called me twice to talk to me-see how I was, tell me he missed me, etc. So I guess he's okay, not suicidal or something.

Today was a friend of ours birthday. So we hosted it at our house, and it was more exhausting than I thought. Tabatha, the b-day gal, and Ashley are staying the night here in the babies room.

No contractions or anything. I sneezed and hurt the hell out of myself. My whole body aches, and my feet are swollen to the point that people cringe when they see them. It sucks.

I'm so tired. Steve's making the bed and stuff.

Other than that....not much. The baby needs to come. I can't wait to meet my first son. I want to see the color of his eyes. And I am really excited about holding him in my arms.

Everyone is excited about my birthday coming up, and I mentioned wanting to drink-just because I crave Vodka....but I'm not so sure.
If I did, I'd have to freeze breast milk for Alexander, and then find someone to watch him for the night. And I don't think I'll want him out of my sight for the whole night. I'm not ready for that. And who? My step mom can't turn him against me quite yet, so she's okay....or Sharon. The thing is, who not to give him too.....If I don't choose Sharon, will she think I'm evil? I don't want my son growing up with Sharon telling him that whiskey and herbal supplements will cure cancer and that the hospital is for sissys. My step mom is more level-headed, but in the long run, she'll try to control me using my son.....*sigh*......This is a hard choice. My parents.....arg.

I have to go to sleep, if I can. I'm hoping it'll just happen.



Heres hoping tomorrow I'll start bringing my son into the world.

Well, it's definitely been an interesting time off for me. Not only have I gone off the deep-end, but I took Steve with me!

So, we'll just stick with today's events...I think if I went into any more detail than that, someone's head might explode.

First, I woke up around 6:00 after going to bed around 2:00. Small side note here: I can't sleep, and it's making me crazy. Like, emotionally, I'm a wreck. Steve's beginning to wonder if a little green leaf might do me good. hehe.

I woke up around 6:00 and the man was STILL on the computer. I asked him if he should just stay up, but he said no, he wanted some rest. So after plastering a breathe-right strip to his nose (they...erm...kindawork...eh heh)I went to sleep again, only to wake up around 7:30 by a telemarketer call. One day, I will prevail, and answer in time, and the person that answers will rue the day they decided to enter the profession.

So after that, I was up for a bit, couldn't sleep. I checked my email, and went back to bed for a few more hours, and woke up around 1:00....exhausted, frustrated, and irritable like no other.

Poor Steve: he's had a rough week too, I'll say more later. I'm trying to focus on today. But anyways, Poor Steve has been running at my beck and call, cleaning (not his strong suit) and cooking. Although he has so far managed to wow me with his skills, he has a thing for cinnamon that makes me cringe sometimes. Not that it's ever turned out bad....he just has this thing for cinnamon.

Today I had a craving for KFC gravy. Not so much the spuds, just their gravy. And Steve had spent the rest of our meager money to fill the tank and get another pack of cigarettes. So we didn't have the money to really get them, but I wanted them. By God, I was willing to see if there were drug addicts wanting munchies in exchange for some freaking gravy. Steve snuck outside after I started crying, and called his Mom asking her what the heck was wrong with me.

So his mom took us to KFC, and I ate masses of fried okra and mashed potatoes with gravy.
Then I came home and started crying because I was frustrated the baby hadn't come yet. I want the baby to just hurry up already!!!! It's making me hormonal and whiny.

So I cried about that. Then Kairi kept attacking me, so that made me mad. Then suddenly seeing Steve on the computer again made me mad, which made him frustrated, which made me cry again. I was sooo tired.
So Steve held me for a while. And then I started crying because I was tired. And I couldn't sleep.

And then Kairi crapped on the floor-and we couldn't figure it out, so Steve just swatted her, rubbed her li'l nose in the mess, and put her in her litter box.

Then we started watching a show we decided to keep track of, and I got mad at Steve because he told me to stop snuggling him, and to behave. So when he touched me, I got really nasty and told him that he couldn't touch me. So he got up and went outside, and I cried, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. He came in, I cried some more. Then I took a bath, because I thought the shower bath combo might help me relax. I came back and was still wide awake. Frustratingly enough. So I worked on some Sudoku puzzles, and Steve worked on some online business, and then we watched Beauty and the Beast. Good and fine until you get to the end of the freaking movie-then Gaston stabs the beast and everyone thinks he's dead. So I got all depressed, and realised that Steve wasn't gonna be around forever, and I got all teary.
Then I told Steve that, and then he thought about the what-if's of me going first and we both bawled all over each other. Then afterwards, we laughed at how silly we were, a bunch of bawling little babies. I went to eat some pasta, figuring that'd make me feel better, AND I could sleep, when I saw Kairi taking another dump in the living room. I was livid. So I grabbed her, rubbed her face in the poop, and swatted her hard enough to the point she yowled and scratched me and tossed her into her litter box. Then I go tell Steve, and Kairi comes fumbling out, playing around, trying to get outside, and I pick her up and roll her away. I'm livid, but I'm trying to control my temper.
My thoughts were "how dare you be so happy and bouncy-YOU"RE STILL IN TROUBLE!'
So I shut the door, and I guess the tired-angry emotional side took over. I picked her up. And then I looked at her. She was scared shitless. She was curled up, still and timid, her eyes huge and scared. She had poo on her face still....and she was flinching. I was never more disgusted and hateful of myself in my entire life. I just lost it and started bawling again, and told her how sorry I was and washed her face off and she just kinda nuzzled into me afterwards. Then Steve came in, and saw me crying and thought something was wrong. Only to find I was traumatised. I bawled, and told him I could never be a good mom, and I wanted Alex to be taken far from me, because I was afraid I'd hurt him. What if I lost it, or became a petulant child. I cried, shaken, and worried, and wore myself out even worse. Then he hugged me, and made me some pasta, and here I am. 2:34 AM. Still exhausted, but my brain is whirling around. This usually doesn't happen, and I wish it wasn't.

So there you go. I'm deathly afraid I'm gonna hurt the cat or my son. So I'm looking into counseling. Maybe my insurance will even cover it.

Those are my thoughts. Glad to see other Streamers are back.

And no, baby hasn't come. If I don't have him by Monday, they're gonna set up a date to induce him.

I am so scared right now. Gabe called me and told me he's thinking about suicide and killing himself alot.....and I dont know what to do...

Could any of you that pray here on the Stream please pray for Gabe? He's so tired of not having anyone or anything....please just pray that God shows him how wonderful life really is. Please.