I can't sleep again. I fell asleep around 3:30 in the morning, *shudder* and it's now 9:30 and I'm up. Urgh. I hate it. I woke up this morning because my left leg was just sending ouch signals like no other. After limping and wobbling to the bathroom, and then satisfying an oddly delectable craving for a wheat bagel with cream cheese and ...um...imitation bacon bits on it.....I tried to go back to bed, but could barely sleep, even though my eyelids were haevy. My brain just wizzed! So I figured, eh, check the mail, check the blog, read some comics, kill the cat that wont stop standing on my keyboard....

So yeah. I was so depressed last night, but I wasn't entirely sure why. Well, actually, I was. Steve's friends invited him to go to the midnight release to Pirates of the Carribean II...but not me. I guess they either didn't want to talk to me right now, since I told them that I didn't care for visitors, nor did I care for the amount of food that was being eaten and not reimbursed. Or, they, like everyone else, considers me a walking time bomb.

I mean, some people really think it's just like on TV: A large and dramatic water being broken and then an entourage to the hospital. But in reality, only 15% of all pregnancies happen that way. Pretty much the rest of us have awkward water breaking moments: Lounging in bed, on the pot, eating dinner, laughing and thinking we peed ourselves....the list is really entertaining.

And....the cat is on the keyboard again. I think she wants to become a new mouse pad.

I'm watching my last few days of....well...basically prison and freedom flutter away. Soon I'll be so worried of my baby, once he's born, and at the same time, I'll be free to move again! I guess the sleepless nights wont change, but if theres an actual reason to be up, rather than the dark just staring at me, I'll be okay.

Freedom...let me define that: I mean freedom as in I wont be able to do things without really wondering if my son is okay, probably alot for the first year or so.... I guess I don't care much for people right now, and I can't help but feel like I want no one to touch my baby. Not family, not friends. Just Steven and I. I wonder if thats selfishness or not. ....I know my stepmom thinks Ashley, my younger sister, is a terrible person because she didn't let anyone hold her baby for quite a long time....

And I don't want her mad at me too. I think.

I dunno.

*yawn* Welp, thats about it for me this early in the morning. If you hear nothing from me over the next few days, it could be Alexander has decided to jump out of the womb and dive bomb into my arms. LOL.

Perhaps.

My kitten is looking at me really pathetically....and now she's batting at the text as it goes across the monitor. She really is cute when she isn't trying to skin me alive....teehee.

I dunno where that title came from! YAY!

SO. Lightning Storm last night. That was crazy. I was frustrated, because the Internet was out for half the day today. Urgg. Not only that, but I had a bad morning.

We woke up to no phone service or internet. I'm thinking, "Peachy, and if I happen to go into labor in the next 8 hours...possible!....I wont have a phone to call anyone with." SO I was annoyed. Then I tried sleeping. Not only was it uncomfortable, but I seriously was up almost exactly every half hour to go pee. And not like full huge bladder pee...I'm talking tinkle once and your done. (Not that you want those intimate details, I'm sure!) So when Steve woke up, I was barely able to move. But I knew that if I left Steve up to his own devices, he'd probably starve the entire day, not take a shower, and go to work extremely tired. So I got him up, and checked our Internet, which was down. Thus meaning our VOIP service was down.
Never thought about those implications, I guess.

Steve was being uber slow this morning, and made me very aggravated. Not like he meant to, just I wanted to go back to bed, and I felt very frustrated and claustrophobic by the messy kitchen. It's hard to make a sandwich and stuff when there's still stuff on the counter from a few days ago. Urg.

It was about 10 minutes before Steve had to go, and nothing was getting done, and I was irritable, exhausted, frustrated, and in pain. So I did the typical, stupid-Steph approach and took it out on him. Though in my defense, I still don't see why he didn't just go to the office across the street in the first place and ask the manager to use her phone. We had a good situation. I was due for delivery at any time, he wouldn't be home, medical emergency, blah blah blah. Just stuff. But he was jut kinda scratching his head at the modem and I snapped at him. He snapped back. I threw a sandwich at the wall.

Yeah, not mature. I know.

I just lost it and started crying, even though I am amazed that I still can cry. Seems like I've cried enough to fill a gallon jug by now.

Steve had to go to work, so I sniffled, and hugged him, and went back to bed with pain in my stomach, and a raw headache. And slept for about 45 minutes, used bathroom, and repeated about 5 times.

It's really painful to get up and go to the bathroom now, I feel like both of my hips are popped out of place. I have to cling to shelves, walls, and chairs so I don't fall over.... .

I guess what bothers me the most is I'm the early bird. I get up early and I'm cheerful. I have energy. I clean, and I cook, and I take care of home. And now? I'm barely able to wobble to the bathroom. I just hate being so helpless. I hate it more so that I'm so mad at Steve-I think it's more that he isn't helpless, but he's not as concerned about the house as I am.

Still. He came home at lunch to check on me, hold me, kiss me tenderly and make sure I wasn't freaking out. I was grateful for someone to be there. I was so worried that I'd go into labor, since it seems our luck. Steve will be starting his night shifts Sunday. I just hope I have the baby before that-so he wont have to worry while at work.

Just a side note, I was reading my comments and saw adds for colon cleansing from the privacy of your own home. Eek.

"Are you still planning on having this baby out of wedlock? Guess you know that will make Alexander a bastard? As much as you whine about Steve not cleaning, Steve not working, Steve staying up late and gaming with his friends. You do realize that he won't be changing? He will always be like that and if you don't like it now it will only get worse. Day by day every thing that he does now to get on your nerves will only get worse and worse. Since living in Sin and pregnant why not go all the way and jump ship to be with Gabe? It sounds like he is a lot better catch then your current loser. But then getting child support out of steve could prove difficult also.."

I thought I could be more mature about people commenting on my public blog. After all, it is public. But for the love of all that is good and evil, how rediculous is this? First this piece of shit calls my son a bastard. And tells me I'm living in sin because I'm not married to Steve yet.
How judgemental and narrow minded. It's people like YOU that make people like ME hate religion. YOU and your kind, the people who "claim" that Jesus is their God, or that peace and love are wonderful. You are the worlds biggest hypocrites on the planet. But let me ask you this, Mr. "Nona Me"-would you rather marry someone you didn't think was right, and then spend the rest of your life fighting in front of the child and making him miserable, and all of you being miserable?
I don't think so. My parents got married because they felt obliged to. 5 years later, they cheated on each other, and then hated each other, and then used us as pawns. At least I'm staying with Steve. At least I tell him that I'm worried about the feelings I have.

Nice catchy little IM name: blogravager. And you're what? A 40 year old guy who just sits and tears apart others blogs all day?

What did your parents or family do to you that made you sit on your ass as a hobby, and tear apart peoples blogs apart? Did you get beaten as a child? Is that it? You must be a dark and deeply troubled person to go onto a pregnant womans blog, who's about to give birth, and just found out she's got cancer, and tell her that her son is a bastard, (even before he's born) that she's living in sin, and that She's stupid for thinking her man will change.

So your telling me to stop living in sin and marry the guy, then next your telling me he'll never change and to jump ship, since I'm immersed in sin.

I just, it blows my mind how stupid you are. How can you possibly know or think or feel what I feel? Do you read my blog daily, blogravager? NO, probably not. You probably just stumbled on this post, or these last few posts, and decided suddenly that you were the right hand of judgement, and could say what you wished.

Tell you what, Mr. I'm 40 and have nothing better to do than to rip apart peoples public blogs: the day that comes that you walk around in my skin and see that I have a child to raise, I'm scared out of my skin, and I can't turn to this God or not live my life in Sin, because every asshole I've met that claims to be Christian turns out to be nothing more than a criticising, holier-than-thou, hypocritical moron that just has to "spread the word"...and the one church I believed and grew up in for almost 7 years suddenly excommunicated me because I found out my pastor had an affair with an underage girl, on his pregnant wife no less, and kicked me out because I spoke out that it was wrong of them to excommunicate her-the day that you get to sit by me while I was beaten, raped by strangers so that my stepfather would have money for his meth habits-formed epilepsy and other mental road blocks because of it, and told I could never have children-the day you stand with me when the principal comes in and pulls me aside to tell me that my sister commited suicide because she was bullied so much-the day you sit with me when I find out I have a rare cervical cancer, and that I will more than likely never have children again....the day you go through my mind, see the pain I have suffered, the bullying I've went through, the pain I've had to endure, and the pain I endure every day, THEN I will allow you the privilege of telling me that I'm a sinner and my unborn son is a bastard because his father and mother don't follow your beliefs. That day, I will embrace your criticisms with open arms and tears running down my face, because by God, by then, someone will have truly felt pain. Over and over again.

You make me sick to my stomach. I hope you find the judgement you so much want to hand out to people you don't even know. This is a small window into my life. I write in this blog to keep peace in my mind-what I still have left of it. I write in this blog because bottling things up inside made me suicidal.

I'm pregnant: But I didn't get an abortion, did I? I stuck with it. How many women don't do that? But it's not enough for you. No, once we've moved past one sin, it's on to the next biggest one....

In your eyes, and in the eyes of those who think they're saved because they go to church, read their Bible, pray to God, and tell people that they're having bastards because they wont marry right away-I will always be under your feet. I will never be good enough to be called a Christian, I will never be good enough for you to reach out a hand and call me a sister, or a friend. I will be a filthy beggar on the side of the road: Yet another-and how weary you must be of reminding us of our shortcomings and stupidities.

So thank you. Thank you for commenting on my blog, and reminding me again why I don't dare step into a church with my newborn baby. Doubtless a hundred of you would turn me away, if not outright, then subtly. And since my son is a bastard, probably no way you'd ruffle his hair if he came to greet you, probably no way he'd get more than a sniff from you if he tried to play with any children you had. No matter how clean he looked, he'd still be dirty and unclean, because he was born out of wedlock.

And for your information: your friendly, loving churches refuse to marry Steven and I. We have to take marriage counseling for 6 weeks-oh, but wait! WE have to pay hundreds of dollars for it! Even more great: If we want to get married there, we have to pay thousands more to stand in front of a man of God to be pronounced Man and Wife. Steven and I are barely able to pay our rent, let alone purchase a marriage license-and we aren't gonna lose our house and car and clothes off our back so that you and your kind can be satisfied that we are married. If we got married by the state, you'd just say it wasn't sanctified, or some BS like that.

Thank you for making me toss and turn all night, when I have to wake up early tomorrow morning for another round of doctors poking at me to see if they can't figure out a way to save some parts of me from this cancer. Thank you for making me remember just how loving bible-thumpers really are.

But the biggest thing, mister-thank you for reminding me why my son is never going to step into a church, at least not until I know for certain that you and your kinda are nowhere inside. He may go to hell, as you say, but I bet hell is a lot warmer than the coldness you Jesus-lovers show.

Glad you stopped by!

I made my first photoshop image. I found someones blogstream....erm....blog, and I got really inspired. I had photoshop, so I took a German poster, took out the text, with Steves help made it look all cool and not so funny.
Then I found this awesome quote, and put it in there. Tell me what you think! i think I found a new hobby!