Baby pictures! More to come, if Sharon ever lets me see 'em!

Steven got one of those retractable blade box cutter thingys from Walmart.



And.....he's cutting up the house.

I have NEVER seen anyone so eager to open up a bag of diapers before.

I went into the nursery this morning, and there was a large hole in the top of the diapers....and he'd cut open the bag of extra babywipes.

Great. Lucky for me that I got to them in time, otherwise we'd have lost 250 baby wips because Steve didn't want to use the perforated line at the top of the RESEALABLE package--nope! He went below all the riff raff and cut a nice, solid line into the baby wipes.

Maybe if I melted the knife....

Next thing you know, he'll be taking the *magic marker* thy gave him and start writing things on the babies stuff. And he'll have a valid reason.

Some men are just too eager to play with sharp objects.

As Alex sits in his cutsie little vibrating chair, I look around blogstream, and found two people that were purdy nifty.

MluyhaUprooted
Attitude Engineer

Mluhya is absolutely fascinating! I read her stories, all the way from the beginning, and I was kicking myself for not seeing her blog earlier. Oddly, since I always seem to see it featured, or updated recently, or something. Anyone who's ever been frustrated needs to read her story. Just recently, she was working Wimbledon. Sweet!

Attitude Engineer is a chaplain, and pretty much chaplains that go anywhere are always gonna have a soft spot in my heart, since my Grandpa was Washington NG Head Chaplain-he followed them faithfuly to Iraq....and just came back-after having his precious Hummer blown apart. He shows remorse for that. Heh.
SOmething he wrote on his 100 Things About Me List....but this one REALLY stood out.

Religious people don't like my sermons, but alcoholics and addicts love them.

I have a confession to make: Something happened to me that I didn't write about. Partly because I was embarassed. I haven't even told Steven about it yet. And partly because I don't know what to think. My heart is tired of trying to believe and live the good life of a Christian. It seems all I do is sacrifice when I'm at church, when I'm out of church, and it seems I give up so much.

But then, as I think about it, it was the best time of my life, and I had never felt as good about myself as I did that period of my life, where being fit and healthy were uber important-physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Where did I stray? Men. I have put men before God, because men gave me what I believe God could not. Physical comfort. Not just sex, but hugs, snuggling, hand holding. Secret smiles that show adoration. Inside jokes. Mushy names.

God and I had "mushy ames"-names that we called each other and got that feelign of warmth. I called him Father. He called me His Own, Daughter, Friend, Servant...etc.

The experience I had was when my old room mate Jen came over. Jen is a petite girl with a beautiful voice,....think Ginny Owens (and if you don't know her, KNOW!) glasses, and a spunky, God-loving attitude that made me wish to be like her.

Anyways, Jen was talking to me about how she wished she could do all sorts of things-and how she and her fiance Chris were taking a week off because God had reminded them of their focus, and they realised it was beginning to be more on each other than God.

She says she saw the hunger in my face, eyes, as she talked about not being able to see Chris for a week. But at the same time, I saw the contentment and the absolute faith she had in doing so. For her, there is this great purpose, this great feeling, this absolute faith in what she believes. I want that. I want to have a deep faith in God. I want to KNOW he exists, not just understand He made everything. I want to balance my life out again, face the challenges that are, and go forth.
I'm just afraid that I wont be able to do it-again. What if I let God down-again? I can't stand it.

I have a hard time letting go, as you might tell.

Anyways, Jen and I were talking, and something deep inside me was getting...edgy. Like a caged feeling-only it was caged because of anger, not because of restlessness. I felt something stir inside of me, and suddenly I knew IT was back-the thing that had pulled me under with Steve. It was there, angry at Jen-how dare she talk about God, it seemed. It grew more agitated the more Jen talked about this experience she had, or how great God was for that event she went to.

Jen felt it. Felt the rage. Felt the....IT inside.

I eagerly began to pour out how I felt, how I was in fear for Alex's life because I didn't know when IT would take over again. Something inside grew very angry, and promptly I was telling her to go away-I had an appointment to go to-which wasn't true at all.

Jen figured it out.

"Do you want to be free, Stephanie?"

"You just have to forgive yourself-God has already forgiven you."

I dont really understand what happened next, only that when I was myself again, Jen was crying, and holding me, and....the anger was gone. For the first time in such a long, long time.....everything was okay. I felt...safe.

It was an odd day.

Steven doesn't know yet, but only because I don't know that I ought to tell him. I don't feel a need to- in fact, I feel a fear of telling him. Which means....I probably should. Maybe I will when I see him in the morning.

maybe.

Got my drivers manual. I'm brushing up on my knowledge of how to drive, because it is my birthday present to myself to get my drivers license. That is what I want. I need the freedom.

Alex had his first pediatrics appointment today: The doctor was hilarious, and Alex was properly....cry-ish.

The Pediatrician, Dr.N, is one of those guys who loves the Hawaiian Shirts. Also, he's VERY cheerful, and handled Alex like a pro, even made him stop crying at one point. Found out that the sneezing that Alex does about 10-12 times a day is completely normal. And it turns out he's gonna have a nifty birthmark on his stomach. The doctor said something like he could have a map or something-and laughed at his own little joke. Funny guy, like I said.

I was asking for information on circumcision for our boy, and found out that the state doesn't cover it, and it costs almost 400.00 to do!
60% of America does this? What? Dad Gumn, had I of known, I don't think I'd of even worried-I'd of saved up the money. Looks like I know where my first few checks are going. Then after that, we'll deal with Steven's dentures. I hate money.

Dilemma: What do you do when you're mother-in-law is telling you who you can and can not hang out with-on punishment of banishing from family? Three different times now, she has told Steven and I that we are not to talk to Pat, Lacey, or Christine, (her middle sons wife)or else we were not to contact her or to step foot on her property.

Now someone else Sharon doesn't like is in the picture. (By the by, we email Christine, and Pat and Lacey call or come over all the time)

Sharon's mother. Elizabeth, Steven's grandma-and Sharon, do not get along because Elizabeth had let Chris, Steve's younger brother, ride in their fair circuit as help with an associate of theirs called Tom. Tom apparantly burned Chris with a cigarette lighter, and Tom is still working for them. There was no proof what happened, happened. Only Chris' word, and people had apparantly been saying that Chris was playing with fire all weekend.

Sharon seems to think her parents judgement is impaired, and ever since, denied them to talk to her or her children.

Somehow, Elizabeth got our number, and called us this afternoon while we were sleeping. Her message was nervous, and she mentioned she was in town and wanted to meet me and meet the son. She stuttered through her phone number, and at the end of the message, it sounded as if she wanted to cry.

I made Steven listen to the message, but he doesn't know if he's gonna call her back. After questioning him, I found that she was a really nice grandma, never had hurt him, and he liked her a lot.

So....

Ah. Sharon. RIGHT. If Sharon were to find out that we were speaking to her mother, whom she has denied allowing any of the boys to speak to since the Tom incident, we'd be dropped off for sure. And Steve's afraid of that. Not sure why....personally, I think his mother is getting too much control of our lives.

I think moving might be the only way for us to get out of her clutches.....it seems the only way.

*hrmph*



I'll see what Steve thinks.

I personally want to meet her.

It seems like days pass in in minutes, and hours, and seconds. I feel like I've had Alex for almost a month now.
I feel like *I* have had Alexander around.

It almost....for some reason, and I ca't figure out why, but it almost feels like I'm starting all over again. Like...like I've experienced a new life or something. I keep thinking of the bills I need to pay, and I keep having to remind myself that Steven is there too, and that he's actually working so I don't have to worry about it.

I hate money, I've decided. Money ruins and destroys people. It changes them.

Steven told me to fuck off because it was his turn to take care of the baby and he kept saying "why can't you do it?" Well, because I've gotten MAYBE 7 or 8 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. I mean, granted, my body is adjusting to it, but it's taking a number on me. I feel I have no energy. Nothing is getting cleaned, the house is a mess, the baby cries all the time-it just bothers me that he would say that.

I know if I rant to anyone-in his family-they would all back him up, He's working. He had a tooth pulled. He's on drugs.

I'm raising a newborn. I have a urinary tract infection. I'm anemic. I'm taking drugs too.

But you don't see me laying around not doing anything. I feel like my body has imprisoned me, and I'm fighting to try and do whatever it takes to make things okay on the home front.

Anyways, sidetracked: Steve was sleeping and so was I, and the baby woke up. I checked the clock, and it was 8:00-way past the time Steven normally slept til. I was so tired. My eyelids were dropping like someone was pulling them down. Urgh. I poke him and tell him the baby is crying and he needs to take care of it. Half asleep. Almost fully asleep.

Why can't you take care of it?

First off-*it* is him. Your son. The one you helped create.

I tried to remain objective and reminded him it was his turn to take care of the baby.

He got very pissy and feel back asleep. I woke him up probably a good seven or eight times trying to get him to take care of the baby, but nothing was working.

And I said, half asleep, "Wow. Some help you're turning out to be."

Not helpful, or particularly mature on my end, but I was pissed off that he was making me still take care of the baby when he was home. I'd let him sleep for almost 9 hours. I haven't seen that much sleep in almost....well...since Dr. Sanderson gave me those sleeping pills.

That was way back. I'm running on empty, and I can't find anyone to turn to. I don't know what to do. I can't keep up this pattern. I'm taking 5 different pills, forgetting to eat, barely sleeping, and I'm turning miserable. If I keep this up, I'm gonna drive Steven away-but what else am I supposed to do? I can't turn to anyone for help, my mom is still trying to finish raising the rest of her kids. I'd ask Sharon-but she seems to think her son walks on water now that he has a job. She keeps making excuses for his behavior, and then turns around and attacks me. I don't feel I can talk to her anymore. I mean, I understand, he's her son....I've got no one but this blog.....and Gabe.

And even Gabe is someone I can't count on. He tends to go through this faze where he gets depressed, because he's lonely, and then gets mad at me for any number of things, and then we don't talk for quite a while.

I can't talk to anyone at the church, because they think I'm the worlds biggest sinner.

I feel so utterly alone....and I don't know what to do....