Went to see my parents today-that was tense and very painful.

They still live in the same house-

I sat and watched my mom try in 700 different ways to appease my father-to make him smile, to make him happy.....to win his heart back.

So far, she's gotten my fathers cold, I-don't-really-care face....and I want to cry when I see it. The pain my mom must be going through...

They aren't alone.

Seems like everyday is another day full of fighting, and tears, between Steven and I. If it isn't me being a jerk because I think he's being facecious, he's being a jerk because he thinks I'm being immature.

Alex is NOT helping today--the wee tot is getting to become more alert and awake, and it's driving me crazy! He's starting to suddenly have this inexplicable need to be held 24/7, and I just want to cry. Steven does nothing but get mad, roll his eyes, complain about being tired whenever I ask him to take care of Alex.

I never get to see Steven anymore. He seems to be completely in his own world-he hates it. he says he wants a day job, because he's missing out on everything great.

So imagine my frustration when he comes home, refuses to hold Alex, or feed him, or change his diaper unless I really beg him or have a good excuse in order for him to take care of the kid for ten minutes. No exaggeration.

What makes it worse? Ryan constantly fighting Cassie to hold little Rynne. They tell me not to worry, that Steve will 'warm up' to Alex once he walks and talks-but how fair is that to me? When I have to deal with the screaming, dependant version, and Steve just....constantly shoves him off onto me again.

I wake up at 8:00 in the morning to Steve walking through to door explaining how his day went. There are a number of scenarios:

1) Alexander is sleeping. Snuggly time? Sure. Maybe a bit more? *wink*

Response: Tired. Sore. Don't really feel like it.

2) Alex is awake. I've been watching him since....well, to be honest...8:00 two days ago, when Steve fed him so I could take a shower. Will Steve watch the baby so I can just go sit somewhere and not have to...be aware....for even 1/2 an hour?

Response: I don't particularly feel like it or I don't think I really can. My arms are so sore....


Those are just two....but it's getting frustrating.

I'm beginning to think-maybe I ought to run. Steve keeps saying stay...tonight he said leave unless I wanted to stop *dictating* what he did. I said I would leave first thing in the morning and he immediately got all upset. He didn't really want that!

Apparantly I'm dictating what he can and can not do because I wanted to go see my Aunt Robin, who I only get to see once a year, maybe twice. Then I wanted to see my mom, who I know is having a really really rough time.

Apparantly that was asking too much of Steve. I mentioned I wanted to go. He said he had an 1/8 of a tank. I mentioned he needed to fill up anyways. We went. Things were fine. Until I asked him after we came back and he took a nap if he could do some heavy lifting and bring a playpen down stairs. Apparantly, that was asking too much as well, thus starting the dictatorship fight. I told him that I was sorry, and that from now on, I'd make sure he wasn't dictated at.

I mean to keep that. I wont ask him to do anything with me. He can do whatever he wants. I can't seem to do right by anyone anyways. He wants to sleep and play games and watch TV and go to work? FINE.

I'll take care of Alex, work, and stay in the room when I'm not working and take care of Alex.

Since Alex is such a harsh, taxing thing to take care of for 10 hours. It's hard when I don't even get to step out the door for 10 minutes, because I'm afraid he'll wake up while I'm sitting on the porch breathing.

I'm beginning to wonder if maybe smoking might help me calm down.

Breathe IN......Breathe OUT.

It's not helping. It seems that I am nothing but a nuisance, and I hate it. I wonder if it's my depression getting worse that makes me think this way?

These last few days, I have felt like rebelling. I've nearly ended it with Steven twice, and *supposedly*, according to Cassie, *nearly 'had it out' this morning about temperature. Excepting that I saw her wearing a coat in the house and asked her if she wanted me to turn on the heater. When she said no, she didn't want it turned on on account of her, I said my feet were cold. She told me that we needed to sustain heat ourselves, and that we shouldn't waste money. I looked around and noted most of the windows of the house were open and offered to close them and then did.

But she told Steve when she thought I was out of the room that I was trying to turn on the heater because my feet were cold and she boldly stopped me from running up a sky high bill.

Earlier, she and Ryan were in the living room, and she talked crap about me then.

And when I was talking to Steven, I was informed by Cassie that apparantly Steven and his Dad had a heart to heart about the car.
"Oh, heh, I didn't tell you about that?"

No. Guess you were too busy having tons of discussions late at night with Cassie to talk to me. Perhaps I'm too *paranoid* about people talking about me-because obviously NO ONE is.

Yeah.

I'm about ready to walk out the fucking door, and just....go. I'm done being the source of redicule, and I'm tired of feeling like shit.

I think I've fallen out of love. I think...I think my love is beginning to turn into a twisted, suspicious, paranoia, and it's breaking me into a million pieces. And I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to die.

I feel like I'm the outcast in this house. Steve, Cassie, and Ryan all go way back....I seem to be nothing but a nuisance.

Why is it that people seem to think they know what's best for our relationship? They think that they have nothing more important to do than to criticise how our relationship works, how we talk with one another, whatever.

And not only that, but it seems like every time I walk into the room, everyone stops talking. They all look at me funny. As if they were talking about me. Steve wont look me in the eye, Cassie looks like she wants to say something, but sees me and looks intently at her belly button, and Ryan just kinda looks at them as if studying their reactions.

Wonder what Ryan would do if he found out what happened between the two of them....back when Cassie cheated on him with Steven. And Steven fell in love with her. And she ran back to Ryan. And now they go places together, talk all night, laugh together. And I sit in this room, feeling like an alien-an unwanted, targeted alien.

I've talked to Steve about it. Explained how I felt. He told me it was a bunch of bunk. That I needed to stop being so paranoid.

Yet is it any coincidence that since we started hanging out with Ryan and Cassie again, Steven and I seem to fight every day? Suddenly, Steve's saying I push him around, control him, bark at him, wake him up too much...I want to go with him too much.

I told him if I was so bad, then I would just leave. That I didn't want to be a burden to him, and that he'd be a helluva lot happier without me bothering him.

Then he immediately seems to change and start apologising and saying he didn't mean it.

I don't want the man to feel like he can't say whats on his mind, for heaven's sake. I just feel like everyone attacks me. Cassie thinks I'm not trying hard enough to find a job...excepting that I do, it's just that it's hard when one has a son to tot around, no car to drive, and no one who can take her because they have their own busy agendas.

I feel like she criticizes me far too much. She consistently makes it seem as if the house is more hers and Ryans. As if it isn't equal.

I told Steven from the get-go that I didn't like it. That I didn't think this was going to work out. Not only is she constantly telling me that I am wrong, but she tells everyone else how wrong I am as well. I feel so betrayed. And I don't want to trust anymore.

Talked to my mom, and she was still very much upset. I don't understand how this could have happened.

Last night Steve finally actually slept with me (TMI!!! TMI!!! last night. I have a very high sex drive, and Steve seems to not...like....sex at all. Which is very frustrating to me.

More and more I am beginning to wonder and ponder my place in this house...and if I have a place here at all. Maybe I should run. Maybe...maybe everyone would be happier without me.

And to top it all off, I'm beginning to lose my cool.

Gabe still calls....and I hate myself for sometimes laying in bed at night and wondering how things could be.

I really hate myself right now.

Today is my first day in my new home, but it's tainted by something a bit harder to swallow.

I talked to my mom this morning and she asked me how Alex was, and when she could see us-and then she told us that she and my dad were seperated. She didn't want it. She kept talking about how she missed him, how she really loved him, how he took off his wedding ring....it was horrible.

They were....so very much in love. How did they end up falling apart...

I hope it wasn't a fight caused by my mom disciplining Michelle....she'll hate herself forever if she thinks she's the cause of the seperation.

She's still the only mom I know....and the only one I love.

Okay. Tomorrow, and the next few days, I shall be moving. I know I've been kinda sketchy and not writing much, but too much stress, and not enough privacy, to be honest.

Cassie had her baby,kathryn "Ren" Alanna. We call her ren because that's what Cassie really wanted to call her. She just felt it sounded funny by itself. Ren was 6lbs. 12 oz. and was born at 6:24 PM after a whopping 20 hours labor. The idiots at the anesthetics tried 15 times to but the epideral in her, but failed because they were placing it wrong. And then they couldn't do it anymore, because they thought it might have spread through the skin. SO they had to pump it in manually, and even though Cassie called at the first signs of pain, they took usually about an hour to get there, and hour or so before giving it her because they wanted to look at the epideral spot. *sigh* The nurses were outrageously uncooperative, and didn't follow Cassie's birth plan at all.

Cassie came home with the baby yesterday, and she's already up and moving around like she had never thought of a baby in her life. She drove all over the place, and is planning on going back to work...tomorrow. She had the baby not quite 48 hours ago, and she's already ready to start working. It's nuts. And her and Ryan are so cute with little Ren. They take excellent care of her.

Steve was kinda jealous when I came in to wake him. I was apparantly dressed niced, even though I didn't think I was. My hair was down and naturally curly, and I smelled nice, buts that was because I am experimenting to see what causes Steve to react towards me differently. So far, body butter, freshly washed hair, and a nice outfit did something to him PHYSICALLY, but emotionally, he was totally not into doing anything. It's called Operation Sex-Drive-I aim to find out what makes the boy tick, what turns him off, what turns him on, and what the real deal is with why he's so....down about intimacy.
Anyways, he was jealous because Ryans friend Steve was coming over, and he thought I might be dressing up for him. I was kinda shocked...Steve's usually very secure. And anyway, this Steve is very skinny, and very loud. Not my cup of tea. I like broad, sexy shoulders.....and the hot sexiness that is MY Steven. Grrr. Still kinda flattered he was jealous.

In other news: I'm really freaking tired. I miss my Streamers though. Take care my amigos. Tell me what's going on with you all, and I'll put pictures of how Alex looks next time I come on.