Sunday morning.
Ugh.
Wendy and I went out for breakfast today, and I had fun. We talked, and we spilled out our frustrations, and we were mad at the waitress. It was great.
Steve and I are kinda doing better-were in this stupid vicious cycle where we are happy, then we get tense, then we fight, then we get in the honeymoon phase, and then it starts all over again. We didn't even realise it until last night when Jerry came over and was talking about his relationship with his fiance.
It's kinda sad that it's gotten that bad in our relationship, eh?
I was looking at the conversations I had saved that the other woman had sent me...I can't seem to stop. I know it doesn't help the healing process. I don't know what will. I know that I keep reading the cutesy little remarks, the "I'm going to pounce you later" remarks...everything. And I know it leaves a large ache inside of me.
I am falling out of love, I think. I dunno. Is it so bad that I have a problem with him cheating on me with another woman? Even if it was just a cyber relationship?
Maybe I ought to have one. I feel lonely. I feel like it's time to move on. I feel like crying because I love Steve. I wonder if I should wait and see if things get better?
Steve lost his job-again. I looked back, and he's lost 3 jobs in 6 months. Though this last one wasn't really his fault. I was having surgery and he had to come pick me up. No one else could do it but him, and they gave him an occurance for it. He even told them 3 days in advance that he was going to have to do it and that no one else could, and they said "tough luck."
Bastards.
I also have a sad, and private confession to make: to cope with the stress of the cheating, the baby, work, and now being the only one working, I succumbed to the pressure of smoking.
I'm not doing a pack a day by any means, but I do have one probably 2 times a day. Once in the morning and once at night.
Alexander is now shooting forward-he can lunge inches to grab hair or pens, or whatever else he wants. We have to be very careful now, and keep the floor spotless.
Taxes are coming up, and I don't want to deal with them, at all. In any way shape or form.
Such is life. I guess I just don't care anymore, ya know? I just wish time would stop. I wish that I didn't have to take care of my son or deal with Steve, or cry myself to sleep when he isn't in the room....
I'm unhappy, in fact, I'm bitter. But I believe I love him still, and that to me gives me plenty of reason to keep trying. To forgive and move forward. To heal and grow.
Lord knows I need to heal....but how?
In other news, Lacey has a new toy of the week-his name is Jacob. He is literally a Johnny Depp look-alike. The face shape, eyes, and smile. It's amazing. And he's also very loud at sex. Trust me. They were in the room right next to us.
I think I want to get my car and drivers license. So I can feel more freedom.
