Don't worry-I ain't abandoning you! Steven and I have decided to record our little trek to the alter! the address, you might ask?

I believe its http://stevensteph.blogger.com

So, check it out, yo....and lemme know what you think. Be sure to leave your comments, encouragement, disgust....wisdom. Anonymouse, I do hope to hear your honesty!

I love you Streamers. You're my best invisible family, ever. *sigh*

I got a 103 on a very important test to move on in training today at work. That was the highest score achievable, and I was the only one to get it. WOOT.

Then things kinda...erm...slid down the hill.

I went to donate plasma. Couldn't-my iron was too low.

We have 5.23 in the bank.

And we had barely any gas to get us to where we needed to be. Which was work and home. So we did something terrible, and as soon as I can, I will put money in the bank. I don't want a bounced check on my record-my third week of having an account. That's wrong.

I called the hospital on the way home, and found out I needed to meet with a surgeon before I could get surgery. Then I found out that in order to meet with said surgeon, I had to have payment. .... insurance. Which I don't have. Then I found out that I needed to get money before they would do the blasted procedure. SO.

I came home and cried. It's 8:30, and all I could think as I lay in bed, was that Steve was doing something behind my back....what, I didn't know....I just lay there and suddenly I felt like he was getting close to try to see another woman. Someone else was snagging his attention. The feeling was so great, it drove me out of bed and to this computer.

Steve's myspace was already logged in, and I didn't even mean to look in there.....then I noticed many new girls that had become his 'freinds'...and then I looked in his inbox...only the fear pushed me. Not alcohol this time. Just fear.

I wont answer if I found what I was looking for. Because I don't know what I was looking for...if it was reassurance, I didn't find it. If it was proof he was cheating on me....I didn't find exact proof either....

I hate this pain....

Steve's mother is PSYCHOTIC! AUGH! I don't even know what to do anymore.

Steve is refusing to talk to his dad about the insurance problem he is having with his car. No matter how much I cajole him, fight with him, beg, or plead, Steve is the only one who can actually make the decision about what is happening. Not me.

SO. I get this great message from Sharon saying:P "Steve, this is your mom. You need to call you Dad. That is, if Stephanie will let you."



Oh, no. THen she sends another great Voicemail that says: Hey, Steve, did you know that the first sign of Dometic Violence is isolation from friends and family?

EXCUSE ME?

YOu stupid, god-awful, jealous, drama-oriented, no life-having, snotty fat ass bitch. I have had it with your accusations of me abusing my fiance, trying to murder my son, and lying about everything I tell you. I AM TIRED OF IT. I don't need you. I don't need the stress you have brought upon me nd my family. AND I most certainly don't need your rediculous accusations that make a serial killer look like a fond day care provider.

From now on, you and your fat, bead-happy ass can criticise everyone else in the family, because I have had it up to here with your little accusations, comments, and sarcastic voicemails that you leave on my phone. It's done.

On an equally unpositive note: I had to go to the hospital because of pain in my stomach. Found out it was gall stones. LOVELY. So I have to call Monday to figure out when I can go in for surgery for that particular procedure. Yipee.

Life isn't fun right now, ladies and gents. I'm about ready to just go on a rampage and start telling people to their faces exactly what I wish they would do with their worthless lives. Oy vey.

I need some ice cream. I'm stressed.

I am stressed! I have to make this brief-I have to work in the mornining and I ought to be in bed, but!

-I got a job!
-I....donated plasma and got 40.00!
-I call that blood money!
-I was taken to the hospital.

Alex is two months old.

Steve has an interview tomorrow.

We need new insurance for our car.

Tomorrow I am donating MORE plasma.

Life is good.

Alex is cute!

I want a USB cord so I can put digital pics on the web, yo.

Thats about it. Sorry it isn't a good entry, but I'm so stressed with the new job ( I'm working for a bank-very high security) and trying to find a very part time second job to get a little extra income coming in. *phew*

Sorry streamers. I just haven't had the time lately. Once I adjust to the schedule, I will be back on, telling you of the mundane drama of my day.

Peace!

Depressing, aren't they? These last few posts, I mean. I know, I know-I'm usually not so morose-but everything that I think may be good seems to becomes....hellish. Not one sunny day. Just rain clouds with tarnished, plastic coated silver lining. Crappy little joys, the type that you fake so you can pretend things are okay.

I'm tired of trying, ya'll. I'm tired of trying to keep things going smoothly-tired of going to bed each night wishing there was a man in my life who actually wanted to touch me-who looked at me with some sort of lust. I'm tired of being the only one in this relationship that seems to want out. Why does he want me around?! Probably so he wont have to raise Alex by himself-which I wouldn't allow anyways. I'd be a part of my son's life. I just...

I think he's having an affair. Not sure. He barely wants anything to do with me, he constantly seems to be having a great time without me around-seems like when we talk, we fight.

Why does he want me around?

I went to bed exhausted, and asked him to come down with me.

Day 6 of being DENIED. We were alone and everything.

Alex was upstairs asleep, and I promise, we could have heard him. Oh trust me. But Steve gave me an almost....brotherly....hug and said he wanted to be upstairs..."in case Alex woke up." Cassie and Ryan came through the door, and up he went and bounded out onto the porch to have a great discussion that I once again am not included in. Because even if I do come up the stairs, they immediately make me watch Alex. Alex can't very well be around cigarette smoke, now can he?

I think I want to start smoking, and that's bad. I want to smoke to relax a little more, and I want to smoke so that I can finally hang out-maybe be one of the gang.

I talked to Gabe to finally gain closure-he's moved on. Odd how the thought kinda hit me in the stomach like a punch. I wasn't aware I felt so much for the guy. Good thing he's moved on, though. He deserves so woman who will love him for who he is.

And here I am. With a man who barely acknowledges my existence except when Alex is crying and I'm not on top of making it stop.

IF I left, I doubt he'd even....notice....at least until he wanted to get some shut-eye and wanted to shove Alex off on me.

Not even worth it.....nothing is.