So Robert and Kelly came over today and dropped off all the rest of the stuff from our house-excepting our shelf, furniture, desk...etc.

You know....the stuff the truck was supposed to haul in the first place.

Then Kelly texted me and said I was lazy-then Steve talked to her, then Robert called.

According to Robert, heh, Sharon thinks I put thunbtacks in the bottom of some JELLO water meant for Alex. Not only that, but she thinks I did it on purpose.

I happened to be in the room when Robert started telling Steven that I had problems, and that he wouldn't put it past me.



Sharon-I have to admit-I thought you really needed drama-but this is rediculous. And Robert-eh...you're not even worth it.

SO, I have decided to write a letter to Sharon-one I'd like to send, but knowing that'd make our lives a living hell,....yeah.

Sharon,

You are a psychotic moron.

I apologise for opening so rudely, but it seems to be the only way to get through your thick, incredible dumb skull.

You are the worlds biggest drama queen.

IF it isn't a problem with me trying to kill my son with thumbtacks-
1) okay, if they are at the bottom of Jello Water...I'd think Steve would've seen it....
2) Alex drinks out of an f*ing bottle-so said thumbtack wouldn't get through anyways
3) I think if I wanted to kill my own son, I wouldn't be so flippin' obvious about it.

-then it's a problem with Christine being a hypochondriac, Tae being controlling, your mother keeping a....pedophile..
-Chris made a bet that he couldn't keep his hand over a flame. He did-then he said that he'd been burned. Yeah. So the guy who he'd been betting with became a pedophile.

Sharon, you are the most psychotic of them all. You think because you've been on a little-known TV show about beading, that you are suddenly someone VERY important. You think Dr. Phil is GOD, but you listen to nothing of what the man teaches. Only what fits your lifestyle.

You are a sick, pathetic individual, and I feel nothing but pity for you. I don't want to see your ugly, conniving face around me or mine-and I most certainly don't want you to come to my wedding. Also, I'd rather not let you see Alex-knowing you, you'll try and train him the power of voodoo, the art of manipulation, and send him back home with the thoughts that his parents are horrendous people.

Thanks, psycho, but take you're drama party somewhere else. You're sad attempt at idiocy is not welcome here-nor will it ever be.

Have a nice life.

Went to see my parents today-that was tense and very painful.

They still live in the same house-

I sat and watched my mom try in 700 different ways to appease my father-to make him smile, to make him happy.....to win his heart back.

So far, she's gotten my fathers cold, I-don't-really-care face....and I want to cry when I see it. The pain my mom must be going through...

They aren't alone.

Seems like everyday is another day full of fighting, and tears, between Steven and I. If it isn't me being a jerk because I think he's being facecious, he's being a jerk because he thinks I'm being immature.

Alex is NOT helping today--the wee tot is getting to become more alert and awake, and it's driving me crazy! He's starting to suddenly have this inexplicable need to be held 24/7, and I just want to cry. Steven does nothing but get mad, roll his eyes, complain about being tired whenever I ask him to take care of Alex.

I never get to see Steven anymore. He seems to be completely in his own world-he hates it. he says he wants a day job, because he's missing out on everything great.

So imagine my frustration when he comes home, refuses to hold Alex, or feed him, or change his diaper unless I really beg him or have a good excuse in order for him to take care of the kid for ten minutes. No exaggeration.

What makes it worse? Ryan constantly fighting Cassie to hold little Rynne. They tell me not to worry, that Steve will 'warm up' to Alex once he walks and talks-but how fair is that to me? When I have to deal with the screaming, dependant version, and Steve just....constantly shoves him off onto me again.

I wake up at 8:00 in the morning to Steve walking through to door explaining how his day went. There are a number of scenarios:

1) Alexander is sleeping. Snuggly time? Sure. Maybe a bit more? *wink*

Response: Tired. Sore. Don't really feel like it.

2) Alex is awake. I've been watching him since....well, to be honest...8:00 two days ago, when Steve fed him so I could take a shower. Will Steve watch the baby so I can just go sit somewhere and not have to...be aware....for even 1/2 an hour?

Response: I don't particularly feel like it or I don't think I really can. My arms are so sore....


Those are just two....but it's getting frustrating.

I'm beginning to think-maybe I ought to run. Steve keeps saying stay...tonight he said leave unless I wanted to stop *dictating* what he did. I said I would leave first thing in the morning and he immediately got all upset. He didn't really want that!

Apparantly I'm dictating what he can and can not do because I wanted to go see my Aunt Robin, who I only get to see once a year, maybe twice. Then I wanted to see my mom, who I know is having a really really rough time.

Apparantly that was asking too much of Steve. I mentioned I wanted to go. He said he had an 1/8 of a tank. I mentioned he needed to fill up anyways. We went. Things were fine. Until I asked him after we came back and he took a nap if he could do some heavy lifting and bring a playpen down stairs. Apparantly, that was asking too much as well, thus starting the dictatorship fight. I told him that I was sorry, and that from now on, I'd make sure he wasn't dictated at.

I mean to keep that. I wont ask him to do anything with me. He can do whatever he wants. I can't seem to do right by anyone anyways. He wants to sleep and play games and watch TV and go to work? FINE.

I'll take care of Alex, work, and stay in the room when I'm not working and take care of Alex.

Since Alex is such a harsh, taxing thing to take care of for 10 hours. It's hard when I don't even get to step out the door for 10 minutes, because I'm afraid he'll wake up while I'm sitting on the porch breathing.

I'm beginning to wonder if maybe smoking might help me calm down.

Breathe IN......Breathe OUT.

It's not helping. It seems that I am nothing but a nuisance, and I hate it. I wonder if it's my depression getting worse that makes me think this way?

These last few days, I have felt like rebelling. I've nearly ended it with Steven twice, and *supposedly*, according to Cassie, *nearly 'had it out' this morning about temperature. Excepting that I saw her wearing a coat in the house and asked her if she wanted me to turn on the heater. When she said no, she didn't want it turned on on account of her, I said my feet were cold. She told me that we needed to sustain heat ourselves, and that we shouldn't waste money. I looked around and noted most of the windows of the house were open and offered to close them and then did.

But she told Steve when she thought I was out of the room that I was trying to turn on the heater because my feet were cold and she boldly stopped me from running up a sky high bill.

Earlier, she and Ryan were in the living room, and she talked crap about me then.

And when I was talking to Steven, I was informed by Cassie that apparantly Steven and his Dad had a heart to heart about the car.
"Oh, heh, I didn't tell you about that?"

No. Guess you were too busy having tons of discussions late at night with Cassie to talk to me. Perhaps I'm too *paranoid* about people talking about me-because obviously NO ONE is.

Yeah.

I'm about ready to walk out the fucking door, and just....go. I'm done being the source of redicule, and I'm tired of feeling like shit.

I think I've fallen out of love. I think...I think my love is beginning to turn into a twisted, suspicious, paranoia, and it's breaking me into a million pieces. And I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to die.