I feel like I'm the outcast in this house. Steve, Cassie, and Ryan all go way back....I seem to be nothing but a nuisance.

Why is it that people seem to think they know what's best for our relationship? They think that they have nothing more important to do than to criticise how our relationship works, how we talk with one another, whatever.

And not only that, but it seems like every time I walk into the room, everyone stops talking. They all look at me funny. As if they were talking about me. Steve wont look me in the eye, Cassie looks like she wants to say something, but sees me and looks intently at her belly button, and Ryan just kinda looks at them as if studying their reactions.

Wonder what Ryan would do if he found out what happened between the two of them....back when Cassie cheated on him with Steven. And Steven fell in love with her. And she ran back to Ryan. And now they go places together, talk all night, laugh together. And I sit in this room, feeling like an alien-an unwanted, targeted alien.

I've talked to Steve about it. Explained how I felt. He told me it was a bunch of bunk. That I needed to stop being so paranoid.

Yet is it any coincidence that since we started hanging out with Ryan and Cassie again, Steven and I seem to fight every day? Suddenly, Steve's saying I push him around, control him, bark at him, wake him up too much...I want to go with him too much.

I told him if I was so bad, then I would just leave. That I didn't want to be a burden to him, and that he'd be a helluva lot happier without me bothering him.

Then he immediately seems to change and start apologising and saying he didn't mean it.

I don't want the man to feel like he can't say whats on his mind, for heaven's sake. I just feel like everyone attacks me. Cassie thinks I'm not trying hard enough to find a job...excepting that I do, it's just that it's hard when one has a son to tot around, no car to drive, and no one who can take her because they have their own busy agendas.

I feel like she criticizes me far too much. She consistently makes it seem as if the house is more hers and Ryans. As if it isn't equal.

I told Steven from the get-go that I didn't like it. That I didn't think this was going to work out. Not only is she constantly telling me that I am wrong, but she tells everyone else how wrong I am as well. I feel so betrayed. And I don't want to trust anymore.

Talked to my mom, and she was still very much upset. I don't understand how this could have happened.

Last night Steve finally actually slept with me (TMI!!! TMI!!! last night. I have a very high sex drive, and Steve seems to not...like....sex at all. Which is very frustrating to me.

More and more I am beginning to wonder and ponder my place in this house...and if I have a place here at all. Maybe I should run. Maybe...maybe everyone would be happier without me.

And to top it all off, I'm beginning to lose my cool.

Gabe still calls....and I hate myself for sometimes laying in bed at night and wondering how things could be.

I really hate myself right now.

Today is my first day in my new home, but it's tainted by something a bit harder to swallow.

I talked to my mom this morning and she asked me how Alex was, and when she could see us-and then she told us that she and my dad were seperated. She didn't want it. She kept talking about how she missed him, how she really loved him, how he took off his wedding ring....it was horrible.

They were....so very much in love. How did they end up falling apart...

I hope it wasn't a fight caused by my mom disciplining Michelle....she'll hate herself forever if she thinks she's the cause of the seperation.

She's still the only mom I know....and the only one I love.

Okay. Tomorrow, and the next few days, I shall be moving. I know I've been kinda sketchy and not writing much, but too much stress, and not enough privacy, to be honest.

Cassie had her baby,kathryn "Ren" Alanna. We call her ren because that's what Cassie really wanted to call her. She just felt it sounded funny by itself. Ren was 6lbs. 12 oz. and was born at 6:24 PM after a whopping 20 hours labor. The idiots at the anesthetics tried 15 times to but the epideral in her, but failed because they were placing it wrong. And then they couldn't do it anymore, because they thought it might have spread through the skin. SO they had to pump it in manually, and even though Cassie called at the first signs of pain, they took usually about an hour to get there, and hour or so before giving it her because they wanted to look at the epideral spot. *sigh* The nurses were outrageously uncooperative, and didn't follow Cassie's birth plan at all.

Cassie came home with the baby yesterday, and she's already up and moving around like she had never thought of a baby in her life. She drove all over the place, and is planning on going back to work...tomorrow. She had the baby not quite 48 hours ago, and she's already ready to start working. It's nuts. And her and Ryan are so cute with little Ren. They take excellent care of her.

Steve was kinda jealous when I came in to wake him. I was apparantly dressed niced, even though I didn't think I was. My hair was down and naturally curly, and I smelled nice, buts that was because I am experimenting to see what causes Steve to react towards me differently. So far, body butter, freshly washed hair, and a nice outfit did something to him PHYSICALLY, but emotionally, he was totally not into doing anything. It's called Operation Sex-Drive-I aim to find out what makes the boy tick, what turns him off, what turns him on, and what the real deal is with why he's so....down about intimacy.
Anyways, he was jealous because Ryans friend Steve was coming over, and he thought I might be dressing up for him. I was kinda shocked...Steve's usually very secure. And anyway, this Steve is very skinny, and very loud. Not my cup of tea. I like broad, sexy shoulders.....and the hot sexiness that is MY Steven. Grrr. Still kinda flattered he was jealous.

In other news: I'm really freaking tired. I miss my Streamers though. Take care my amigos. Tell me what's going on with you all, and I'll put pictures of how Alex looks next time I come on.

Cassie and I are having issues.

I was not aware that my talk of the wedding was bothering her-nor do I know why. But I see what she did as a ploy to try and get Steve to resent me.

What happened was that I had been talking to her about the wedding and about how much different things were going to cost. And we laughed and talked about the different options. Well, things seemed fine, and I was very happy. The next day, I was playing on the cell phone, and saw that we had an abundance of text messages, and read:

I'm just pissed that Steph thinks she can spend what she wants on the wedding. As I see it, it's your funds, not hers.
I can't help you if people keep poking holes in the bucket.

I was livid. First off, whether or not I use Stevens money to pay for the wedding is none of her business. Second off, I explained to her the day we were talking about said wedding that I was going to pay for it out of my paychecks, mostly.

She knew that. It looks more like a ploy to get Steve pissed off at me and to break things off.
I slammed the phone down next to Steve, and said: "If you didn't want to get married, you could have just said something."

Then I yelled, "Sorry to piss you off about my wedding, Cassie."
Then I walked out the door.

I calmed down and went back to the house and no one was home. Come to find out, they had gone to the pool to go swimming, and Cassie was taking care of my son. I was even more pissed.
I went in, grabbed Alex, and said: "You have something to say about it, you should have said it to me." I left. Steve followed. He started yelling at me about being paranoid and not respecting his privacy. He was telling the truth, I was paranoid. I see men as cheaters. I can't trust Steven because he lies to me about money, he's lied to me in the past about where he was and who he was with, and talks to Cassie about our problems.

It's just frustrating.

I dunno what to do. I have to think.

Alexander is surely the cutest baby in all the land-yet the li'l boy can get frustrating in a heart beat. He wants to suck-all the time. And no binky will do. No. It has to be a bottle, or my index finger.

I mean, I'm flattered my index finger is so comforting to him, and all, but I'm trying to pack, eat, sleep, and get things rolling-and none of that seems to be happening at all.

Not only that, but Steven seems intent on making it out that Alex hates him. Which I assure you isn't the case. Alex is just really perceptive, and realises that Steve is frustrated when he can't make things right immediately. So Alex squalls and sqwuaks and just stares at him. Steve is getting more brave. I remember when he would barely hold him. He was so afraid he'd break him. Now he's just...sure of himself. He can change a diaper, feed the baby, rock him to sleep, give him a bath, clip his finger nails....things are looking good!

Cassie still hasn't had her baby, and I'm beginning to wonder when it's gonna happen. I'm gonna be there when it does, unless something else happens, but I hope her labor is easier than mine! Mine sucked, even with the epideral.

That's pretty much all for me. It's been a mundane Monday, and tuesday will be that much better! Tomorrow is Stevens and mine 1 year anniversary. Unfortunately, we have no money or gas, but we can more than likely still enjoy a swim at the pool or something.