"Are you still planning on having this baby out of wedlock? Guess you know that will make Alexander a bastard? As much as you whine about Steve not cleaning, Steve not working, Steve staying up late and gaming with his friends. You do realize that he won't be changing? He will always be like that and if you don't like it now it will only get worse. Day by day every thing that he does now to get on your nerves will only get worse and worse. Since living in Sin and pregnant why not go all the way and jump ship to be with Gabe? It sounds like he is a lot better catch then your current loser. But then getting child support out of steve could prove difficult also.."

I thought I could be more mature about people commenting on my public blog. After all, it is public. But for the love of all that is good and evil, how rediculous is this? First this piece of shit calls my son a bastard. And tells me I'm living in sin because I'm not married to Steve yet.
How judgemental and narrow minded. It's people like YOU that make people like ME hate religion. YOU and your kind, the people who "claim" that Jesus is their God, or that peace and love are wonderful. You are the worlds biggest hypocrites on the planet. But let me ask you this, Mr. "Nona Me"-would you rather marry someone you didn't think was right, and then spend the rest of your life fighting in front of the child and making him miserable, and all of you being miserable?
I don't think so. My parents got married because they felt obliged to. 5 years later, they cheated on each other, and then hated each other, and then used us as pawns. At least I'm staying with Steve. At least I tell him that I'm worried about the feelings I have.

Nice catchy little IM name: blogravager. And you're what? A 40 year old guy who just sits and tears apart others blogs all day?

What did your parents or family do to you that made you sit on your ass as a hobby, and tear apart peoples blogs apart? Did you get beaten as a child? Is that it? You must be a dark and deeply troubled person to go onto a pregnant womans blog, who's about to give birth, and just found out she's got cancer, and tell her that her son is a bastard, (even before he's born) that she's living in sin, and that She's stupid for thinking her man will change.

So your telling me to stop living in sin and marry the guy, then next your telling me he'll never change and to jump ship, since I'm immersed in sin.

I just, it blows my mind how stupid you are. How can you possibly know or think or feel what I feel? Do you read my blog daily, blogravager? NO, probably not. You probably just stumbled on this post, or these last few posts, and decided suddenly that you were the right hand of judgement, and could say what you wished.

Tell you what, Mr. I'm 40 and have nothing better to do than to rip apart peoples public blogs: the day that comes that you walk around in my skin and see that I have a child to raise, I'm scared out of my skin, and I can't turn to this God or not live my life in Sin, because every asshole I've met that claims to be Christian turns out to be nothing more than a criticising, holier-than-thou, hypocritical moron that just has to "spread the word"...and the one church I believed and grew up in for almost 7 years suddenly excommunicated me because I found out my pastor had an affair with an underage girl, on his pregnant wife no less, and kicked me out because I spoke out that it was wrong of them to excommunicate her-the day that you get to sit by me while I was beaten, raped by strangers so that my stepfather would have money for his meth habits-formed epilepsy and other mental road blocks because of it, and told I could never have children-the day you stand with me when the principal comes in and pulls me aside to tell me that my sister commited suicide because she was bullied so much-the day you sit with me when I find out I have a rare cervical cancer, and that I will more than likely never have children again....the day you go through my mind, see the pain I have suffered, the bullying I've went through, the pain I've had to endure, and the pain I endure every day, THEN I will allow you the privilege of telling me that I'm a sinner and my unborn son is a bastard because his father and mother don't follow your beliefs. That day, I will embrace your criticisms with open arms and tears running down my face, because by God, by then, someone will have truly felt pain. Over and over again.

You make me sick to my stomach. I hope you find the judgement you so much want to hand out to people you don't even know. This is a small window into my life. I write in this blog to keep peace in my mind-what I still have left of it. I write in this blog because bottling things up inside made me suicidal.

I'm pregnant: But I didn't get an abortion, did I? I stuck with it. How many women don't do that? But it's not enough for you. No, once we've moved past one sin, it's on to the next biggest one....

In your eyes, and in the eyes of those who think they're saved because they go to church, read their Bible, pray to God, and tell people that they're having bastards because they wont marry right away-I will always be under your feet. I will never be good enough to be called a Christian, I will never be good enough for you to reach out a hand and call me a sister, or a friend. I will be a filthy beggar on the side of the road: Yet another-and how weary you must be of reminding us of our shortcomings and stupidities.

So thank you. Thank you for commenting on my blog, and reminding me again why I don't dare step into a church with my newborn baby. Doubtless a hundred of you would turn me away, if not outright, then subtly. And since my son is a bastard, probably no way you'd ruffle his hair if he came to greet you, probably no way he'd get more than a sniff from you if he tried to play with any children you had. No matter how clean he looked, he'd still be dirty and unclean, because he was born out of wedlock.

And for your information: your friendly, loving churches refuse to marry Steven and I. We have to take marriage counseling for 6 weeks-oh, but wait! WE have to pay hundreds of dollars for it! Even more great: If we want to get married there, we have to pay thousands more to stand in front of a man of God to be pronounced Man and Wife. Steven and I are barely able to pay our rent, let alone purchase a marriage license-and we aren't gonna lose our house and car and clothes off our back so that you and your kind can be satisfied that we are married. If we got married by the state, you'd just say it wasn't sanctified, or some BS like that.

Thank you for making me toss and turn all night, when I have to wake up early tomorrow morning for another round of doctors poking at me to see if they can't figure out a way to save some parts of me from this cancer. Thank you for making me remember just how loving bible-thumpers really are.

But the biggest thing, mister-thank you for reminding me why my son is never going to step into a church, at least not until I know for certain that you and your kinda are nowhere inside. He may go to hell, as you say, but I bet hell is a lot warmer than the coldness you Jesus-lovers show.

Glad you stopped by!

I made my first photoshop image. I found someones blogstream....erm....blog, and I got really inspired. I had photoshop, so I took a German poster, took out the text, with Steves help made it look all cool and not so funny.
Then I found this awesome quote, and put it in there. Tell me what you think! i think I found a new hobby!

Oy vey.

I'm a tired person.

Good news: Steve finally starts work tomorrow. From 9-5. Walmart called him moments before he was gonna call them.

Good news: His parents gave us a good sum of money for food. And filled our gas tank! I guess they were so relieved that Steve was actually starting that they were willing to give anything.

Good news: I got to have fries today. Oh, and last night, Steve made me mashed potatoes with Country gravy, biscuits and green beans. He doth love me much. I even got a baked potato. Mmm. I love the spuds.

Meh News: Nothing to report with the pregnancy, I'm still pregnant, though many thought I would have this baby by the 4th. We're waging a weight war, to see how much the baby will weigh. I think the baby will be 7 lbs 9 ounces. Though he'll probably be pounds more.

Bad News: My mom, (I knew it would happen.....) has told me that she is postponing the baby crib, dresser and changing table. She didn't think that going to Michigan to help move my grandma would cost so much.
*sigh* Not that I'm ungrateful, but I can't help but feel as if she's never gonna get it. Ever. I think she was just saying it at the baby shower to save face. Now that not everyone is watching her, she can put it off and put it off. So much for counting on her to do what she promised.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just that I already knew that she wasn't gonna follow through. I mean, Sharon paid for the bassinette, the stroller, the shelf, the rocker, the clothes, the diaper service. She's bought the car seat, etc.
Mom, and Dad? Nothing. Mom is still procrastinating on making me the dinner that she promised to make me before the baby comes.
I almost don't want her in the delivery room with me. Why? Because she doesn't deserve it. She was barely there for the pregnancy, maybe called me a few times. Once Ashley showed up in the picture again, after disappeariong and being the black sheep of the family, I was suddenly no longer important. Then Amber got pregnant. Suddenly, it was as if I wasn't even alive.

I feel ungrateful. I feel hateful. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I feel really taken advantage of.

*sigh*

Bad News: I'm an emotional wreck. I came unglued today severely and talked about how much I hated myself. I think Steve is getting tired of me saying:
A) I hate myself. I'm so stupid, and fat, and ugly, and dumb.
B) Why are you with me. Do something smart and leave.
C) Why don't you clean more? Get off the computer and do something...

Although, he did promise to clean the bedroom tonight.....and yet again, he failed to follow through. I went to Walmart with him, and stayed in a wheelchair the entire time. I wheeled around because I couldn't stand on my feet.
We go home, and Steve puts the food away. Gabe calls, so I talk to him, and I go outside because its warm in my room. I come back inside: the room is untouched. There are dishes on the floor. The kitchen is untouched. Dirty dishes everywhere. (and he wonders why we have bug issues) The living room and the bathroom: still a pig sty. The baby's room? Inflatable bed and all the crap still exactly where it was since Saturday.
I was on the phone for a fair amount of time, apparantly like an hour: and nothing was done. I'm so sick of it.
What sucks worse? The fact I'm more angry that I can't do any of it. I can't pick up anything, because my thighs and stomach hurt and stretch. Hell, the stretch marks on my stomach are occasionally bleeding. Typing for more than about 30 minutes makes my hands swell, and if I don't keep my feet up for about 1/2 of the day, I'm a wreck by the end of the night.
I'm tired of nagging him, and feeling like a shrew. I'm more tired of him getting upset when I tell him to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I contribute to the mess. But I can't really pick it up. ARRG. It's a cycle.
I don't understand how he thinks doing dishes once every 3 or 4 days is an okay thing. Or leaving food out is acceptable, especially with the spiders I find EVERYWHERE. IF I don't open my eyes and a spider is chilling on my bedroom ceiling, it's in the bathroom, or hiding in the dirty clothes, or, most often, scuttling out when I move dishes. I'm tired of going in for a bowl of cereal only to find
A) No bowls
B) No spoons
C) No milk.

And now he's being even more irresponsible. He has to be at work at 9:00 tomorrow morning. Meaning, he has to leave at 8:30 tomorrow morning-you want to make a good impression. Yet, it's after 12:00, and he's still up, reading. When I advised him to go to bed, he got all pissy and said his mouth hurt.
Maybe he should try brushing his teeth more than once a week. He wonders why his teeth are so bad.....*sigh*.

Bad News: Gabe and I were talking, and we both realised that the 4th of July last year was the day that he broke up with me. He talked about how much he missed me, and visa versa. Much as I hate myself, I still love him, like him, miss him. I've confided into Steve my feelings, because I don't want to tempt myself.
But he is so very tempting. He told me about how he wished he'd taken me back quickly, before I got tired of waiting. He said he wished he could assuge my fear of motorcycles by throwing me on the back of his, and taking me to the Oregon Coast. Three of my biggest dreams: Road tripping, Trying something dangerous, and seeing the ocean. I tried to talk to Steve about it, but he just asked for his book and ignored me.
Gabe asked me if there was no baby, and I knew how much he wanted me back, would I leave Steve for him....at first I told him I didn't know. To be honest, I don't know that Steve and I would be together had it not been for Alexanders existence. We tried to make things work for that reason. Otherwise, we would've broken up, probably over the winter. He lied to me many times, and got angry, and ignored me. He chose a night club over our sixth month anniversary.....which broke my heart immensely....
I still hurt about that. It's a daily effort to let that go. I try not to throw that in his face, but sometimes, events hurt so much that the pain never really goes away. I want him to be sorry, I want him to tell me he wished he'd never done it. But he wont. He doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I'm trying to let it go. But it hurts so much and the hurt doesn't go away, no matter how much I try to make it.
Gabe asked me again if I would leave him: and I said maybe. I'm not sure if I could ever leave Steve. I'd look at his tiger-eyes just once, and my whole inside would just burst apart in pain....
but Gabe.....really really loves me, and is truly interested in me....it's like a Streamer once said: The grass truly is greener on the other side. Steve and I are now comfortable...so things aren't all that exciting all the time. With Gabe, it's like new with everything. New romance, new thrills.....but down the road, it'd be the same. We'd get used to each other, and things could very well go sour. Why lose a good family man and someone who handles me even when I scream and yell, at the thought of a possible better happiness. How can I gamble on my family??? Granted, I'm unhappy in the sex department right now, as well as the romance department, but not all men are sex freaks, nor are they romantics.
Maybe things will look up.

The more I talked to Gabe, the more I realised we'd both missed each other. I told him that I was sorry I hadn't waited for him, but in my defense, I *had* told him when he broke up with me that I didn't do second chances. If it wasn't working right the first time, what made me think he wasn't gonna run at the sign of trouble again?
I really think that had we stayed together, he'd have left me by now. I'd have caused tons of problems.
What frustrates me the most is now he's saying he'd really be there for me and the baby.
It's better to move on, I suppose. But how does one move on from someone who haunts their dreams, their thoughts.....their fantasies?

Frustrating. But, again, I told him that I was with Steven, and it was with Steven that I would stay.

We both long to touch, to feel, to kiss, to immerse in each other again. But we can't. And thats how it stays.

I just wish Steve would notice me more. I feel so fat...so ugly. He always says the same two things: "Did you know that I love you?" "You're beautiful." Every time I turn around. It's not that I'm sick of it, per say. I just wish there was some variety. I wish sometimes that he wouldn't just press his lips against mine, but that he'd tease me with his lips. I wish we'd make out once in a while that wasn't sex. I wish that I could see his desire for me in his eyes. But as Steve has said, sex isn't really big to him.
I guess its true:
90% of a relationship is sex for the person who isn't being fulfilled, and 10% of the relationship for the one who's satisfied.

Steve's satisfied, but I'm miserable. I want more excitement in the bedroom ,more to do.....

I guess tonight was a night I needed to vent. *sigh* go figure.
Well, guess I'm gonna brave my grumpy man to try and make him sleep. It's been about 1/2 an hour, so those rapid release gel caps ought to be working now.

Here's to hoping I have a son tomorrow.

I went to the doctors office today to see if there was any update on the good ol' cervix and when I was gonna have a baby to look at.

And she told me that my cervix had "redialated"...unfancy for it shrank down to 2 cm......
And then she told me that she'd induce me on next Monday at 7:00 in the morning if I didn't have the baby by then.



I'm losing it! I'm going nuts waiting for my baby to be born!

On the plus side of things, she *did* give me some Ambien to help me sleep. Now let me tell you....Ambien is a dangerous thing to take. Makes you talk CRAZY and do stuff you wouldn't do.

I remember only bits and pieces, but I remember yelling at Steve and telling him that he should leave before I hurt him, and telling him how terrible I was, and that I hated myself. I called him stupid, which is a big no-no in Steveland. I'm amazed he was so okay with it. He just held me close, and kept telling me I was a wonderful person.
Then we started watching some sort of.....movie...but I don't remember it, which makes him happy, because now we can watch it again. LOL.

Other than that, not much. I've decided both of the mothers in my life are psychotic and I don't want either of them to be near my son. I know Walmart transfers if the persons good enough. And my Steve is a good person.



So, I'll probably write later. I know I haven't been all that frequent, (guilty look) but my feet and hands swell up if I sit down for a long period of time. *urg*

Gabe is in Nevada. He is fighting fires. But he called me twice to talk to me-see how I was, tell me he missed me, etc. So I guess he's okay, not suicidal or something.

Today was a friend of ours birthday. So we hosted it at our house, and it was more exhausting than I thought. Tabatha, the b-day gal, and Ashley are staying the night here in the babies room.

No contractions or anything. I sneezed and hurt the hell out of myself. My whole body aches, and my feet are swollen to the point that people cringe when they see them. It sucks.

I'm so tired. Steve's making the bed and stuff.

Other than that....not much. The baby needs to come. I can't wait to meet my first son. I want to see the color of his eyes. And I am really excited about holding him in my arms.

Everyone is excited about my birthday coming up, and I mentioned wanting to drink-just because I crave Vodka....but I'm not so sure.
If I did, I'd have to freeze breast milk for Alexander, and then find someone to watch him for the night. And I don't think I'll want him out of my sight for the whole night. I'm not ready for that. And who? My step mom can't turn him against me quite yet, so she's okay....or Sharon. The thing is, who not to give him too.....If I don't choose Sharon, will she think I'm evil? I don't want my son growing up with Sharon telling him that whiskey and herbal supplements will cure cancer and that the hospital is for sissys. My step mom is more level-headed, but in the long run, she'll try to control me using my son.....*sigh*......This is a hard choice. My parents.....arg.

I have to go to sleep, if I can. I'm hoping it'll just happen.



Heres hoping tomorrow I'll start bringing my son into the world.