Well, it's definitely been an interesting time off for me. Not only have I gone off the deep-end, but I took Steve with me!

So, we'll just stick with today's events...I think if I went into any more detail than that, someone's head might explode.

First, I woke up around 6:00 after going to bed around 2:00. Small side note here: I can't sleep, and it's making me crazy. Like, emotionally, I'm a wreck. Steve's beginning to wonder if a little green leaf might do me good. hehe.

I woke up around 6:00 and the man was STILL on the computer. I asked him if he should just stay up, but he said no, he wanted some rest. So after plastering a breathe-right strip to his nose (they...erm...kindawork...eh heh)I went to sleep again, only to wake up around 7:30 by a telemarketer call. One day, I will prevail, and answer in time, and the person that answers will rue the day they decided to enter the profession.

So after that, I was up for a bit, couldn't sleep. I checked my email, and went back to bed for a few more hours, and woke up around 1:00....exhausted, frustrated, and irritable like no other.

Poor Steve: he's had a rough week too, I'll say more later. I'm trying to focus on today. But anyways, Poor Steve has been running at my beck and call, cleaning (not his strong suit) and cooking. Although he has so far managed to wow me with his skills, he has a thing for cinnamon that makes me cringe sometimes. Not that it's ever turned out bad....he just has this thing for cinnamon.

Today I had a craving for KFC gravy. Not so much the spuds, just their gravy. And Steve had spent the rest of our meager money to fill the tank and get another pack of cigarettes. So we didn't have the money to really get them, but I wanted them. By God, I was willing to see if there were drug addicts wanting munchies in exchange for some freaking gravy. Steve snuck outside after I started crying, and called his Mom asking her what the heck was wrong with me.

So his mom took us to KFC, and I ate masses of fried okra and mashed potatoes with gravy.
Then I came home and started crying because I was frustrated the baby hadn't come yet. I want the baby to just hurry up already!!!! It's making me hormonal and whiny.

So I cried about that. Then Kairi kept attacking me, so that made me mad. Then suddenly seeing Steve on the computer again made me mad, which made him frustrated, which made me cry again. I was sooo tired.
So Steve held me for a while. And then I started crying because I was tired. And I couldn't sleep.

And then Kairi crapped on the floor-and we couldn't figure it out, so Steve just swatted her, rubbed her li'l nose in the mess, and put her in her litter box.

Then we started watching a show we decided to keep track of, and I got mad at Steve because he told me to stop snuggling him, and to behave. So when he touched me, I got really nasty and told him that he couldn't touch me. So he got up and went outside, and I cried, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. He came in, I cried some more. Then I took a bath, because I thought the shower bath combo might help me relax. I came back and was still wide awake. Frustratingly enough. So I worked on some Sudoku puzzles, and Steve worked on some online business, and then we watched Beauty and the Beast. Good and fine until you get to the end of the freaking movie-then Gaston stabs the beast and everyone thinks he's dead. So I got all depressed, and realised that Steve wasn't gonna be around forever, and I got all teary.
Then I told Steve that, and then he thought about the what-if's of me going first and we both bawled all over each other. Then afterwards, we laughed at how silly we were, a bunch of bawling little babies. I went to eat some pasta, figuring that'd make me feel better, AND I could sleep, when I saw Kairi taking another dump in the living room. I was livid. So I grabbed her, rubbed her face in the poop, and swatted her hard enough to the point she yowled and scratched me and tossed her into her litter box. Then I go tell Steve, and Kairi comes fumbling out, playing around, trying to get outside, and I pick her up and roll her away. I'm livid, but I'm trying to control my temper.
My thoughts were "how dare you be so happy and bouncy-YOU"RE STILL IN TROUBLE!'
So I shut the door, and I guess the tired-angry emotional side took over. I picked her up. And then I looked at her. She was scared shitless. She was curled up, still and timid, her eyes huge and scared. She had poo on her face still....and she was flinching. I was never more disgusted and hateful of myself in my entire life. I just lost it and started bawling again, and told her how sorry I was and washed her face off and she just kinda nuzzled into me afterwards. Then Steve came in, and saw me crying and thought something was wrong. Only to find I was traumatised. I bawled, and told him I could never be a good mom, and I wanted Alex to be taken far from me, because I was afraid I'd hurt him. What if I lost it, or became a petulant child. I cried, shaken, and worried, and wore myself out even worse. Then he hugged me, and made me some pasta, and here I am. 2:34 AM. Still exhausted, but my brain is whirling around. This usually doesn't happen, and I wish it wasn't.

So there you go. I'm deathly afraid I'm gonna hurt the cat or my son. So I'm looking into counseling. Maybe my insurance will even cover it.

Those are my thoughts. Glad to see other Streamers are back.

And no, baby hasn't come. If I don't have him by Monday, they're gonna set up a date to induce him.

I am so scared right now. Gabe called me and told me he's thinking about suicide and killing himself alot.....and I dont know what to do...

Could any of you that pray here on the Stream please pray for Gabe? He's so tired of not having anyone or anything....please just pray that God shows him how wonderful life really is. Please.

Sweltering hot heat....free.

Zombie movies......12.00's.....

Two cat-girls......3.00's in gas....

Four Laptops......way over 4000.00 Im sure....

One tow-trucker, one southern racist, and two brothers obsessed with video games all talking about how cool it'd be if zombies did a musical, and two cat girls trying to convince me to wear cat ears?

Brain damaging in a priceless sort of way.



It's friggin warm over here in the Northwest, and it ain't gonna get cooler. Tomorrow is the Ironman World Semi-finals, held in my podunk li'l town. Also, hoopfest is being held in another town nearby....know what that means?

Means traffic everywhere. Means crazy tourists snapping pictures of trees I grew up with. It means my house will be conveniently clogged for quite some time. IT MEANS IRRITABILITY.

I've been in pain for most of the night, and wonder if I'll happen to go into labor tomorrow. That'd be nice. All the paramedics...*sigh...dreamy firetrucks* and fire fighters will be at the Triatholon, making sure idiotic tourists don't get mowed over....again.

Seems like every year we host this momentous event, Someone idiotically gets in the way and gets mowed over, sending bikers and tourists alike into ambulances. Trust me, you don't want to be the tourist that just disqualified the rider for the world championship. Death threats might be a good thing to remember.

I'm already trying to plot ways to get rid of Patrick and Lacey. Patrick especially. He's like the Donavan of my time. I used to know this kid named Donavan that annoyed the hell out of me constantly. You know, they talk fast, and slur their words together, lie about everything, expect you to believe them, tell stupid statistics that aren't true, and laugh like tards. Not to mention they have anger management issues that scare me. Patrick and Donavan might either marry each other or kill each other.

I don't like how Patrick treats Lacey either: calls her stupid, gets mad when she wins, gets pissed when she's pouty when she loses a game. He's really immature. Someone ought to stick him somewhere where he can get a bit of dignity. I'd say military, unfortunately, he already got kicked out of that. Go figure, he's a loser that way.

Jamee, my other sister, (I have five) gave me some terrible news today....she miscarried and she didn't know she was pregnant. She was on birth control. Poor girl. She IM'd me this morning and we talked for a while and she confided her pain, and how much she wished she was like me. Which stunned me. I've always looked up to Jamee-perhaps it was the fact that she always looked down on me, or criticised me. I always wanted her approval. Then I find that she wished she was dumpy li'l me. Because I had Steve, a house, and a baby.

I feel so terrible. I feel so bad. Here we are, Myself, Amber, and Ashley, having children, getting married, etc. And Jamee, who's older than most of us, doesn't even have a boyfriend of any kind.

I honestly can't understand why on that either. Jamee is beautiful, takes care of herself, laughs wonderfully, knows how to have a good time. She just gets near the guys who want nothing more than sex, and she turns them down. I commend her on that, but if she doesn't want just sex, why go try something other than bars where drunken fools are trying to feel up her beer can.

So we talked on that, and I tried to comfort her, and then Kairi sliced open my leg, and Steve had to patch me up while I sniveled and fumed.

My parents left for Michigan, and didn't even tell me. Sometimes I feel like the last to know on anything. Really. My grandma is moving up here-no one told me. My parents are going to be gone for a week or so to go get her.

Part of me, the spiteful, mad, part, kinda hopes to have the baby before they come back. For two reasons-one, I wont have to worry about anyone trying to fight over the baby, two, I wont have to worry about Sharon ripping my mom a new one, and three, then I can let Jamee hold the baby first, and not have to worry about mom hissy-fitting over it.

My mom is completely miffed at my sister Ashley, because Ashley isn't letting anyone touch her baby yet. I kinda do, and kinda don't understand that. I mean, I understand the first day or so, everyone probably wants to just hold their baby and make everyone leave them alone. The first week or so, I still can give sympathy. but Ashley had the baby almost 2 weeks ago, and still wont let anyone touch the baby. Except her mother in law. So the rest of us are kinda wondering, what the hell did we do that makes her not want us touching the baby? Not like we're clumsy, dirty, disease-ridden flea bags that can't handle our own feet or something. Even so, she could sit right there and watch us.

Although, I do understand, kind of. I don't really want anyone to hold my baby either. He's mine, and I already am dreading having to let him go for even a nano-second so that Jamee can hold him. I'm nervous, but he's mine.

Yesterday was Steve's and my 10th anniversary, (as in 10 month) and we celebrated by going to the food bank to get meager food, coasting on fumes to put our last few dollars in the gas tank, and then going home and watching TV. That is, until guess who showed up at our door to play cards and the such? Yeah. Pat and Lacey. I said I would be willing to tolerate them for a bit because Pat was lending Steve some cigarettes. Then after several rounds of cards, Pat and Lacey berating each other, Steven telling them both to calm down, and me wishing I was somewhere else, I mentioned to Steve I was having some pains and maybe I should go rest.

Pat, Lacey:

Steve: Does that mean you need some quiet time?

Me: Yeah, I think so. (suggestive looks at pat and lacey)

Pat, Lacey:

Steve: Let me take you back.....

Me:

We go back, I inform the well-informed Steve that they can't take a hint, he assures me he'll push them out, and then he does. Takes him about 20 minutes, but he does.

What is wrong with them? The first time, they just randomly show up at our door. The second time, they debate calling us, and then show up at our door. The third time, they call at a pay phone, we don't answer, and they show up at our door. Once we inscribed it into their heads they can't just come over like this, We have issues with them in denial with having to leave. I hate guests who take advantage of my hospitality. Even more so, I hate men who yell at their skinny, tiny girlfriends for taking the bigger portion of food.

Steve made this DELICIOUS cornbread

(Pst....package of Jiffy corn muffin mix ( follow directions), a single serving of applesauce, and cinnamon)

that I begged him to make for me. So he did, and Pat and Lacey were over so we all had some. I figured 2 pieces for each would be enough, but apparantly, size started to matter to some....Lacey took a larger piece, and Pat freaked out and told her that it was "his piece" and he was "just about to go for it." "How selfish" was Lacey. Then Steve quietly grabbed his large piece, and seeing that our guests had left me with a tiny tiny piece, gave me his, smiling at me all the while.
Pat and Lacey were quick to shut up. But still slow on the uptaking of leaving our house.

I think Lacey is better off with out him. I think Steve is better off with out him. I think Pat is better off disappearing so that I don't have to kill him.

That's really about it for me. I'm hot, tired, and can't wait for this stupid laundry to get done so Steve and I can leave his parents house, and go home to ours, where AC, furry clawed kittens, and a bed await us. Oh, and perhaps some ice cream.

Toodles my Streamers!



Just a quick P.S. You know you've written too long a blog entry when blogstream logs you out for inactivity, even though your fingers were glued to the keys.....

I am....facing such trials right now.

Steve got a job!!! At Walmart. And he's making more than he did before....which makes me breathe easier. Kind of.

Now that I know the future is somewhat more secure, I look at the present. At present, we've barely any gas. Barely any food. And Steve just ran out of cigarettes.

And the baby is due anytime now.

The stress makes me sick.

I don't want to see anyone, I cry all the time, and Steve bears the brunt of it.



Yet....I can't help but ponder. Can't help but wonder what it would be like...if I were with Gabe. Would we be broke too? Would I be crying all the time?

Probably. I'm stupid for thinking the way I do. I'm stupid for wanting anything more than was given to me.

And I'm stupid for letting myself get swept up in crazyland and not being responsible for the family.

But I can't help but think it: Why didn't he just look sooner? Why couldn't he get off his bum and get a job earlier? Why are things looking as dark as they are....

Guess I'm having a depressing moment. Maybe another time, I'll be able to do better at this. Right now, I'm just a hurting mass of depression, and misery loves company. And I've been told to always be a good hostess, so I shouldn't let my company leave depressed.

Come back another time when I'm not wanting to cry all over Steve. Maybe then, I'll have a sunshine report.

God, just make these people in my house GO AWAY. For the freaking love of God.

Guss who showed up unannounced? AGAIN????
Lacey and Pat, that's who. I love Lacey to death-Pat annoys the absolute shit out of me. Not only is his sense of humor completely childish, offbeat, and really not all that funny, but he's got anger management issues and maturity issues that just piss me off. Seriously, he's what.....27? And he acts like a 12 year old. I'm glad Steve isn't that immature.

It's been a day.

After not being able to sleep, I got up, called Lisa, only to find the wedding had been postponed because of the car show happening down town thats making it pretty much impossible to have a wedding. *glad I knew!!!!* * * So, I go back to bed. Call Forrest and Jen around 10:3oish, and ask them when they want us over.

We get there, Steve goes with the guys, Jen and I go over to her mothers house. We work on invitations. Jen takes me to my moms, me apologising the entire time about the inconvenience.

I get there, rushing through the door, scolding Steve on the phone because he's late. And guess what? No food was even started. Not even on the god awful table. AND-the woman who demanded my presence at 2:00? Asleep on the couch.

I was livid, to say the least.

Me: "Why isn't there food going?"

Mom: "No one's gonna be here for a while yet. It's only two o clock."

Me: You said be here before two because we ate at two. I was at a bridal shower helping with invitations. I made the bride drive me here, before 2, so I wouldn't offend anyone.

Mom: Everyone will be here within the next two hours.



We didn't eat until 3:30. I could have helped Jen a lot more, and gotten more done.

I am ashamed of my family; as they backstab each other every time one turns around. I found out that at my baby shower, Jamee was drunk, nd telling people that I was annoying because I was talking a lot and that I needed to shut up. Glad I didn't hear that, I'd of punched her in the face.
Her little prostitute friend Jeni was there too, talking crap. Jeni is actually a prostitute. Not only that, but she steals, lies, embellishes, and pretends that it's OK.

After I saw her threaten my younger sister Michelle, I've always wanted a chance to seriously whip the tar out of her ass. I really want to. Kind of like, if my cousin Erin ever shows her face after pushing my pregnant sister Ashley, I'm gonna knock her out. I don't have a long list, but it's there.

Anyways, Jamee came to the bbq drunk. As I ate, she asked me what my excuse was for eating like a cow would be after the baby was born. I jokingly answered to regain my strength, and then after that, I'd claim the cancer card. But Steve was livid, and might have said something, had I not spoken up first.

My contractions were about 11 minutes apart, but slowly are starting to go away. Maybe they're Braxton-Hicks.....it's very possible. In any case, I wanted to go. I was sick of Jamee putting me down subtly, telling me that I was nothing. So we go to leave. Jamee says, "Your gonna just leave these dishes? Thats rude."
I grabbed Steve's hand and we left.

We get home, and then I heard Steve's anger about my family and it's selfishness. After that, I took a nap, and woke up, had a hard time moving, and then I hear a knock at our door.

Guess who came ovr without calling, unannounced, at 7:30? Yeah. Lacey and Pat. And guess what? It's 1:30 in the god damn morning. These people can't seem to take a hint. I said to Steve, "No Steve, probably shouldn't start any more card games, it's getting late."

Translation: Tell them to go the fuck home. Especially HIM.

Poor Tick came over around 1:00, and knocked on the back door. I opened it, and he meekly aske dif he could crash on our couch. Poor guy. Tick has a soft spot with me: One, because he's funny. And two, because he's considerate.

So now, I just want everyone to go home. I told Steve, I want to spend the last few days before the baby cames with him. So I just talked to him, and he's gonna make them go home.

I'm tired, hormonal, and I can't sleep when there are people that make me uneasy in my house. I don't know what he'd do. He actually said to Steve, "You know, if you get that job at the minting place, one gold piece could get you a ton of pot." Very serious face. I was ready to tell him to get out of my home.

I don't mind Steve's friends. I do mind when they aren't considerate.

Anyways, I'm really exhausted and they're leaving. So I'm gonna sign off and go to bed. :( I hope Steve isn't offended. I just don't want people here all that much right now.

Good night Strea-