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Marriage and a Baby

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 This Is So Much Harder Than I Thought
 

I didn't think it'd be this hard.

I didn't think it'd be so deep.

I didn't think I was so weak.

And yet....even though the poison is pushing me more and more....I can't help it. A taste. Just a taste.

I hate myself for it. What do I do. He's gone for good now. I've pushed him away. But I hate myself. I hate myself for thoughts. Feelings. Fantasies.....
Posted by Stephanie at 11:33 PM - 3 Comments   Add a Comment  
 
 It's Getting Close
 

34 weeks and 2 days, as of today.

I'm ready to have him out, honestly.

It's about 8:30, and I'm berating myself. For some reason, this morning, my alarm clock and I were hating each other, and I ripped it out of the plug-in. It lays at the foot of the bed like a dead, defeated, and depressed.....thing.

Steve woke up and I asked him to check the time, just a few minutes ago, and he said, "Well,you're gonna be late." I said that was okay, and suddenly he just kinda exploded. "How is that okay?" he didn't really yell it, but I could hear the anger, and see it in his eyes, even if he was trying his damndest to look calm and controlled.
I felt bad about it, but I shouldn't even be working right now. I should be home, cleaning, making stuff, getting ready for my baby to be here.
Not at work, being yelled at by customers who can't understand why bills are paid or what taxes are.

I think I'm gonna go part time today. Job or no job, I can't handle this anymore, evenif we "need" the money. I can't handle it. If it's too much work for me to even try and load the dishwasher, and if I'm tired after sitting at the computer for more than an hour at a time....it's time for me to just take a break and relax.
I want Steve to provide for a while, not me.

I want to relax. I can't take the stress anymore.
Posted by Stephanie at 11:58 AM - No Comments   Add a Comment  
 
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  About Me
Author: Stephanie
From Northwest, USA
 
This blog is about...
A blog to reflect on work, my growing baby, and the man that frustrates and loves me.
 
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