I figure if I can not even post on my blog, to tell the anonymous, yet well-known audience of the Internet, then all is lost. Because I know not where to turn.

I am in love. With a man named Steven. He is kind, reliable, gentle, funny, smart, and stubborn, and I love him for it.

I am in love. With, surprisingly enough, Gabe. He is mysterious, soft-spoken, passionate. And when he moves, you can almost taste the passion he has for everything he does.

I have chosen Steven over Gabe. I already made my decision. I had told Gabe my decision to stay with Steven, marry him, and raise our child together. I broke Gabe's heart.

Last night, Gabe took me out to grab a bite to eat. We sat, and we talked. We talked about what forbidden emotions we had for each other, and why such things could never be. We grew angry and yelled at each other, and asked the "why's" and "what-ifs" of our relationship.
We went for a drive, even though it was against my better judgement. Winding roads soon turned to back roads-had I not said to Gabe I wanted him to turn around...I wonder what may have happened.
He pulled around, and we started going back down the hill.
I didn't know anything else to say but the truth. The truth of the matter was, I did not trust myself alone in the midst of the woods with Gabe. His love and his passion and desire for me was so strong, I could barely meet his eyes. I shook, knowing that I wanted to just kiss him, knowing, for a flicker of an instant, I had wanted to cheat on Steve.

That was enough. Gabe got me home, not doing anything else too crazy. When he parked, he looked at me, and suddenly his face, his mouth, they were all coming in to meet mine. I was so confused, so hurt. I wanted to kiss him back-to kiss him good bye. Because I knew, deep, that after this night, there was no way I could ever be alone with him again.
He came closer, and I could see the deep desire, the agony, and the turmoil throwing across his face. I whimpered. "Please," I whispered. I could hardly speak. His arm was close to me. His skin was burning mine. His eyes and mouth were closer, closer. Instinctively, I did the only thing I could do. I hit him, to make him get back. He realised what almost happened, and he stunningly jerked away. And we both sat there, breathing heavily, our hearts in our throats. Tears streamed down my face, knowing I was looking at the other lifestyle I might have had, knowing that I loved him deeply, but never the way I could love Steve. The love I had for Steve was so peaceful, so easy, so right. The love I had for Gabe was lusty, passionate, and full of dark mysteries.
He leaned in and we touched our heads together. He squeezed my hand, not saying a word. We both knew, it was it. The end. There was no way we could be together after that. One night, and we had so many problems....so much pain.
I got out of the car, and went to my door. I didn't open it. I just leaned against it and tried to compose myself. No need for Steve to see me as a nervous wreck. I went into the house-the home Steve and I had made together, and I went into the bedroom, where Steve and Kairi slept curled up next to each other. Kairi was a white poof that had decided in-between Steves shoulder blades was the greatest sleeping spot ever.
I stared down, watching Steves shoulder blades rise and fall with each breath. His thick eye lashes lay against his dark colored skin-his hair, unruly as ever, splashed everywhere.
I lost it then. I cried silently, staring at them, the tears running down my face.
I crawled into the bed after slipping off my shoes, and Steve awoke to a tear-stained fiance, and he held me. He listened as I told him what had happened and he took it well. He was calm about it. He held me, and kissed my check and forehead. He told me how beautiful I was, how he understood, and he pulled me into him, closer. I couldn't let him kiss my mouth at first. I felt so terrible. The feelings and turmoil I had felt inside were so painful, and I was hurt so bad. I felt ashamed to kiss Steve, after all that had happened.

I should've went home to Steve. I should have ignored Gabe.
I shouldn't have let Gabe even think it was okay.
And now? Now, I have one man in my life....but out there, somewhere in the world, is a man who's heart aches, who wants nothing more than to hold me and make love to me, and cherish me forever.

Love is a funny thing. It brought Gabe into my life for such a short time. We had such a passionate relationship. Then it was gone.
Then Steve came into my life. Even though I still thought of Gabe, I let him go, thinking he was lost into the world of fires, obsessed with his job. Then Gabe came back into town. He was no longer obsessed with them. He wanted to settle down. He was ready to set things right.

....And, by then, I was in love with another man, pregnant with his child, and starting my own life.

So, this post is to Gabe: The Forbidden Love. Gabe-I love you. In so many ways. And if I could, I would ease your pain. I wish I could take it from you. I wish I didn't know that it was me that made you hurt so bad. I'm sorry I wasn't a mean person, to make things easier on you. I'm sorry that things aren't allowed to be.....God, I hope you move on, and find that girl that'll leave your heart in your stomach, and dazzle you with her smile, and make your world better. You deserve so much better.

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong

I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
he's been good to me
And he deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry

I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind

All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know cuz
There can be no happy ending

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
he's been good to me
And he deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry

I don't want to live a lie
What can I do

Makes you wonder: what do snipers drink in the field?

I like to think they drink Snapple. Not only is it really good, but it comes in cute little bottles.

Only problem is glass making noise.

Hmmmm....maybe Capri Sun would be better.



So. I got a cat. *meow!*

I don't have my digital camera right now, so I can not show her to all of my streamers, but her name is Kairi. (K-eye-ree). She's all white with a black ear, and a black tail. And a black spot on her nose.
She is adorable. Not only that, but I think she just gave me a clue in as to how scary it'll be to have a child. We're so unsure. We couldn't say for sure what was wrong with the thing. She hasn't gone potty yet, even though she's been in my sight from the time we got her. I keep taking her over to it, and standing there, but she just scuttles away. I even tried this tip-off from my friend: I wiped her "area" with a warm cloth a few times, because apparantly that "works" and then put her in the litter box.....still nothing.
Now, I'm telling you, that pee *has* to be going somewhere. There is NO WAY the cat has a bladder that holds pee for MORE than 24 hours. Hell, I can't hold pee for more than 8 hours even when I wasn't pregnant. So where is it going? That's what I want to know.

Steve is very much so in love with her. He keeps hugging her and kissing her when he thinks I'm not looking. I got up first this morning and took a shower and got ready, and looked in, and Steve was asleep, his muscles kinda relaxed, but still formidable looking. And then this tiny poof of white has curled up under his chin, her little paws wrapped tightly around one of his fingers.
Yes, I snuck a great black and white picture. We'll have to wait until I go to get them developed. They should be very good!

Robert and Sharon dropped off our table this weekend, Robert his usual pissy self. He came in surly, set up the table while grumping and snipping at everyone, and then proceeding, in front of my matron of honor, to tell Steve and I about our financial situation and how irresponsible we are being.

In fact, he said that he would take away our car, which he co-signed, and give us Danny's old Corsica thing. The one that was so inoperable that Danny ended up getting a new car.
How the hell is giving us a car that would cost more money to maintain than the car we currently have be something cost efficient. Not only that, but the car has no air conditioning, no radio. It's missing a seat buckle in the back. And it overheats like crazy. The car we have now? Air conditioner. All the seat belts. No overheating problems. And extremely good gas mileage.

So, lets think on this one: yes to the crappy car, or no to the crappy car.
Honestly, I can't believe that Robert wants his son, nay, GRANDSON driving around in that death trap!

And then: This was the greatest conversation we had:

Robert: So, how you feelin?
Me: I'm fine. Really. Doin' fine.
Robert: You sure you wanna name your son 'Alex'? (sarcasm deeply apparant.
Me: Yes, we're going to name our son Alex.
Robert: Well, I just don't like the name. Sounds like a fairy. A goody two shoes. Heh.
Me:

My best friend, Wendy, was really freaking cool about it though.

Wendy: Well, I guess it's a good thing it's not your son then!

Sharon, Me:

Robert:No, but he is my grandson, and I refuse to let him have that name.

Now, three things were going through my mind:
1. "Easy tiger, he did just give you enough money to cover rent."
2. "Do we really want to fight with the in-laws."
3. "I'm gonna rip out your throat, you hippy red-neck son of a gun. Get your hick ass out of my house, if you can't stand my unborn son so much."

I said nothing. I had this whole look though:

Sharon realised it, because she suddenly said,"Okay, lets go. We have to get parts for Dannys car." Ushering them out the door.

Grateful for Sharons intuitiveness, and extremely grateful that Robert was done threatening us and rediculing his unborn grandson, we waited until they were gone.

Wendy was cool about it and didn't say a word: Because she is my matron of honor, my best friend, and also my greatest sister ever.

I didn't really mention it to Steve. But I wanted to. I wanted to vent and kill and rage. But for right now, I'll just hold it in.

We are so strapped for cash that it isn't even a laughing matter. Steve and I both are really frustrated by the turn of events.

I got my check and it wasn't even 300.00's. So we had to talk to Sharon and Robert, ( ) and ask them to pay our rent to help us out. And of course, wonderful people they are, they did.

So we went shopping and got groceries, and totally missed our budget. That's when I realised, "HOLY TOLEDOS!" I have an eye appointment on Tuesday! Suddenly I realised I hadn't put any money aside for that, nor for laundry. No, I had been a stupid head, and spent on food, and going out, because I can't stand to be home all the time.



I am really upset with myself about it, even though Steve says I just need to let it go, and that there is nothing we can do about it.

Gabe called me this morning and asked if everything was okay, and then wanted to see if we were still on for dinner tonight. I looked at Steve and said "sure," why not? I mean, we have to just get over everything. *sigh*

Although, I must say, it is rather flattering to have someone still like me even after all is said and done.



I'm getting worse thoughts about myself. Am I being selfish? I dunno. We'll find out.

Other than that, not much has happened. Robert and Sharon brought by our new table and it is rather gorgeous. Tick came over last night, and we had a cake for him for his birthday. He turned 18. :)

Other than that, though, I do't have much to reflect on, other than I want this baby to hurry up and get here-I can't wait to meet my son! EEK!

Last night, some more complication arose in my life, though I thought is was neigh impossible for that to happen.

Gabe came over and visited. It was kinda awkward and nerve-wrecking, but we made it through okay. Unfortunately, after hanging out with friends, I found, much to my chagrin, Gabe online, IMing me and nursing a bottle of vodka.

It was a bad time for us to even talk about it, but we did. We talked about how we felt about everything.

To be clear: Gabe left me because he said he wanted to focus on his career and couldn't do that with me there. I let him go, fell in love with Steven, and moved on.

Gabe never moved on. He was still madly infatuated with me, and I admit, I led him on, unintentionally, mind you.

I didn't even notice any feelings I had until last night, when I was IMing Gabe, and he was asking me how I felt, and if I was happy, and what we should do.

I told him straight up I loved Steve very much and wouldn't leave him for anything. I also told him that I had feelings for him that would probably never go away. I had loved him very much in the time we had spent together, and it takes a lot of time for feelings like that to die away, especially when things ended on semi-good terms.

I told him that he had left, and I couldn't, nor wouldn't change how things were now. I am having Steven's child. I am marrying Steven. I live with Steven. My heart belongs exclusively to Steven.

Yet, deep down, my old feelings started to surface. The feelings that we had for each other were brought to mind, and I couldn't help but be bitter towards Gabe for just up and leaving. That's when I found out that Gabe didn't think he was worthy of me. And that's why he left. He figured once he became a strong fire-fighter, things would be better.

And admittedly, I was furious. He had changed long after I needed him to. Now he's a Christian, and a firefighter that wants to settle down, and wants more in his life than work. And it pissed me off.

How dare he come in to my life when I just found out I have cancer, I'm weeks away from giving birth, and Steve and I just got into our own life together? How dare he show up and suddenly just expect me to fall into his arms...except...he didn't. He told me he could never take me from Steve, because I love Steve. he told me he knew what a stubborn streak I had, that I had set my sight on Steve, and no matter what he did, even if he did have my attention, I couldn't just up and leave Steve.

I would never do such a thing. So I sat at the computer, crying because I felt like I was ripping apart his heart, and ripping apart his soul. I felt like a monster because I had texted him and talked to him, rather than be a bitch and do the right thing, which was to ignore him and tell him he didn't deserve me.

Everytime I thought about it, my mind would take me back to when we had first met, and were friends, and joked around, and all sorts of other things.

Why are men so retarded? Hmm? Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Now he's miserable, and wants me in his life, and I can't do that at all. He's being retarded. I'm so mad at him for waiting until NOW of all times to tell me this. I don't need the added stress.

What have I done to make God so mad at me?

i made my decision. I can't, nor wont, leave Steven. Steven has been there through everything, and patient with me. As soon as I got off the internet, I went into the living room and bawled and told him everything. He held me, and told me that he wasn't uypset, and that he hadn't worried all along, because he knew I would never ever cheat on him. I felt even more guilty, because I know if a woman came into his life and tried to coax him away, I'd kill her, and then him. I'm super jealous.



I am blessed with what will be a great and loving family. I just hope that God gives Gabe the same thing, and draws him away from me. The pain is great. But I wont shed my t ears for him, anymore.

I had to have the talk with Steve this morning.

And it wasn't pretty.



I hate giving talks to Steve, because he hardly ever speaks, looks incredibly sullen, and slumps there, like a lump that I throw things at.

But, this morning, I managed to make some leeway, and even confronted him on his lack of doing ANYTHING.

He has been out of work for quite some time now, and it's driving me nuts. I can't keep working by myself, and he knows it. I am 8 months pregnant, just found I have cancer, and I cook, clean, and do all the chores in the house. I'm under so much stress, that I just don't know what to do. I feel like the pressure is too much on me, and I can't keep up with all of it. I need to relax before I go into labor because of stress. I don't want a premature birth if I can help it. They are so fragile.

So I told him he needed to get off his butt and get a job by Friday, or else the computer and playstation were gone. I hate being his mother, and I told him today that I refuse to do it. I told him I was sick of doing all the cooking, and cleaning, and working, and stressing and losing sleep at night while he played games all the time. It isn't right, nor is it fair.

I told him that he wasn't showing that he really cared what happened to us, or our house, or our son.
It isn't fair for him to tell me that I have to work and I can't stay home and I need to chin up when he sleeps and plays games all day.

He was okay, was really upset, and I think once he gets a job he'll be a lot better.

This is his way of coping. He's hiding from the world. And I get it. And I just have to patient with pulling him out, and be staunch on my stance.

He isn't a bad person because of this. He just doesn't know how to handle everything happening. I'm gonna be okay. And so is he.