Ever day I would start to type...but my blanket called to me to be finished, and so I have neglected you, dear blog. I am ashamed.

If it helps at all:

Tuesday: Came to work. Immediately went back home. Steve and I were both sick. He had the worst sore throat ever, and I had a stuffed nose and an inability to keep my eyes dry. It was an awkward day-riddled with tissues and foul tasting herbal cough drops. And then we went home early and groaned at each other about the woes of severe colds.

Wednesday: *sigh* this was.....one of the hardest days of my life. We were both sick. Steve had woken up that morning with no voice. He was literally whispering and cracking whenever he said anything. I didn't want him to go to work at all. I told him he should stay home. Call Jess and stay home.
We grab his cell phone, and guess what? It's not working. It's not allowing us to call out. Apparantly, Steve's cell payment is late. So we go to the next best thing and send our coach an email to let her know that Steve probably wouldn't come in unless she had some off floor responsibilities he could take over.
No answer. We waited 2 hours, and still no answer. So, I decided to drag Steve to work, and see how long it would last. Now I wish he'd just stayed home.
Steve was called back for a meeting with our coach and two administrators. I was kinda curious, but I knew that Steve was pushing for green time-he just wasn't up to it. No customer could hear him. He was miserable.
I took some more calls, and saw he was still back there. I thought, well, they must be critiqueing him, since they know we need the money.

I was in the middle of selling HSI when he came by and tapped my shoulder. It was our lunch time, so I motioned for him to wait. He looked...angry.
Another agent was still speaking with our client in the conference, so I muted myself. "What's up," I said, noting his red face and defensive stance.
"I've been fired." He didn't say another word. He just walked away.

........... ........... It hit me then. About the time when my eyes went really big. I dropped the call-the other agent could have the sale, I didn't care about anything at that point.
Steve wasn't looking at Jess, our supervisor. He just handed his head set to her, his badge. Packed his stuff up. Jess asked me if I wanted to take an early lunch, but I barely heard her. I just walked away. I went into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror, and was actually surprised to see tears coming down my checks. A few women from my department were in there, and asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't even speak.

Jess came in and comforted me, let me know everything was gonna be okay, and then I went home with Steve.

I didn't yell at him or anything. He was struggling to keep his composure, and I knew that being angry at him wasn't going to help anything. He was positive for a little bit, and I just cried to releive the stress. When we got home, I sat on the couch and we held each other. He felt terrible. Awful. He understood: I was pregnant. We had bills to pay. A baby on the way. And almost nothing had been purchased yet. Our monthly income was just cut in half. And there weren't many places that paid as well as our job.

So I went through and looked at our budget-we cancelled his cell phone. We're just gonna get a home phone, and keep it that way for a while. It'll be cheaper, and a lot easier on us for a while. Maybe get some cell phones for emergencies, but they'd be for emergencies only.
Francine gave us a large extension on the last bit of money we owed her-until we can get on our feet again.
So, we may just make it. However, I am gonna be working quite a bit these next few weeks to make sure we make it to our next few paychecks, and gonna talk and see what we can do as a family (since that is what we are now) to conserve on stuff.


I also talked to him about pride, and stubborness, and how he needed to keep down a job because we can't afford anything less. Pride and stubborness was what lost him this job, and I knew he had lost jobs in the past for other stuff.
I told him he would not be fired again. I was calm and sweet through the whole thing. And then I put it behind me. I think it's best to just deal right now.

My only concern is that Steve is, by nature, a procrastinator. He doesn't really care for work, and would probably prefer to be home playing on his computer and the playstation. I'm giving him a week to pull himself back together, and then he is hitting the job market.

I am really insecure, and I do worry about him working elsewhere. What if he meets a girl, or something. Someone better? I know it's horse poop to think that, Steve loves me. I just wonder if love is gonna be enough.
I try not to be controlling, but when I have to be firm with him a lot, it's not gonna bode well. I just hope he sees the love I have for him.

And as for myself, I am working on control issues. I noticed I have a bit of a control problem, and I should really calm down on it.

*sigh*

Today is supposed to be my day off, but I'm working it-we're gonna need the money now, more than ever.

It's Monday.

This weekend was frustrating and unfulfilling for me. While I *was* able to deep clean the bathroom, and clean up our living room, I've yet to do the dishes, or clean up Alexander's Room, or clean up our room, or vaccuum or sweep or mop. *sigh* A womans work is never done.
Steve was a little bit of help, as much as he wanted to be, I suppose. While I was scrubbing the nitty gritty, Steve played Kingdom Hearts. I had him help me clean the living room, but he pretty much just moved stuff around. I found myself pretty much picking up everything he had set somewhere about 5 minutes later and putting it away in its proper place.

But he tried to help, and I think that's what matters. Next time I'll just have to be a lot more specific about where each thing goes so he doesn't leave it for me to pick up later.

Saturday was our 8 month anniversary, and we planned a night of quiet eating and some video games. Then his friends called and wanted to see if he wanted to game. I honestly had already told him once that this weekend I wanted to have the weekend to clean my neglected house. He asked, and he seemed so earnest. I told him it was alright for them to come over Saturday night for a few hours and play.

Then I woke up at 5:40 in the morning, and Steven was sitting on his computer playing an army game.
me: What in the world are you still doing up? Where are the guys?
S: Oh, uh, they went home about an hour ago.
M: what are you doing still up? It's almost 6:00 in the morning.
S: Just wanted to try out this game.
M: Okay. well, you should come to bed soon. We have a house to clean, and we're supposed to hang out with Forrest and Jen today.
He went to bed about 6:00.
Well, I mean, it wasn't my fault that he hadn't slept in. He totally had the opportunity to, it's his own fault he didn't get to bed on time. I took what pity I could on him, and woke him up at 11:30 to get him moving.
Me: wake up honey. It's time for breakfast!
S:
Me: Honey, wake up now.
S:
Me: I let you sleep in to 11:30, come on, we have cleaning to do.
S: But, that's only 5 1/2 hours of sleep.
Me: Well, I mean, if you'd gone to bed at a decent hour, you would have been about to sleep in.
S:
Me: That's the spirit! Come on, time to get up! We have some cleaning we need to do.
S: I don't want to clean. I'm tired.
Me: You WILL help me clean. That living room is a pig stye left by YOUR friends. YOU will help pick up.
S: Okay.
Me: Then you can play Kingdom Hearts and eat and stuff.
S: I can handle that.

Oy vey.

SO yeah. That's my weekend. Spectacularly fun. I know.

See ya on Tuesday Streamers!

Today is our 8 month anniversary, which is really great. Unfortunately for me, I have no voice. My voice started to go around 1:00.

I went up to my supervisor and whispered:

S: "I can't talk."

J: Try yelling. I just want to hear it. (giddy grin)

S:

J: Oh, you take all the fun out of it. You only have another hour, just go until it's gone and then don't talk the rest of the night.

S:

I go back to my desk and start trying to take calls. Most of my customers were very understanding. Except the one guy who thought it was cute to mention I sounded like I had one of those machines up to my throat. Yeah. Funny.

I got an interesting call today from this guy in Colorado. I was helping him with his bill and he did something.....kinda creepy.
We were wrapping up, I was taking a payment, and he said:

C: "You know, you have a really cute voice. Very nice."

S: Oh, thank you.

C: I wish I could see the face to match that voice.

S: Oh, ha ha. .....My husband sometimes says that, eh....

C: Oh, so you have a husband, huh?

S: And I have a baby on the way. Very happy.

C: Oh, a baby too, huh? Well, that sounds interesting. I'm happy for you.

S: Thanks, um. Okay, so anything else I can help-

C: So, where do you live?

S: Uh, where do I live? I live in Idaho.

C: Do you live in a town?

S: Eh heh, yeah. I can't give out that information.

C: Oh, I already know. I talked to another agent from Idaho and they said there was only one there. So I know what city you're in.

S:

C: Maybe I'll come and see you. You sound very attractive.

S: Excepting the fact that I'm married. Um, anything else I can help you with?

C: No I don't think so. So you're Stephanie, you're supervisor is Jess, and you live in _____________ Idaho. Hmmm. Shouldn't be too hard to find. I'll have to make a trip to Idaho.

S: Um, that's not necessary. Thanks for calling, have a great day.

*click*

He freaked me out. I mean, I know that it happens, but it's always the middle easterns that do it. I'm not bashing on them, but I wonder if their culture is so extreme like that: just up and travel because you think my voice is nice? Even though I mention a family is already here, you still think I'm gonna just want you here?

No. It's freaky.

I can't wait until I get home. I plan on taking a nice hot shower. Then I can get some steam. And maybe talk again.

Have a good weekend bloggers. Probably talk again on Monday. If I can.

Oy vey. Sorry it took me so long to get back here. Between the moving, the house warming party, the plague, and the bowling injury, I haven't really had a chance to stop and talk.

So. Let's see. I poured my heart out to Steve and shared with him what was hurting me, and he felt really bad. Genuinely. He held me close and let me cry and told me how much he loved me and that I meant so much to him.

We had the house warming party-and it was a zoo, as I expected. What made it better was the fact I was sick the entire time. Not only did I look like a ghost with frizz, but I projected vomit, called for Steve every hour for some more 7up or water or something, and slept feverishly.
That sucked horrendously.
When his friends FINALLY left (oh, about 6:00 PM the next night) I pretty much made him cuddle with me.

I've been slacking on keeping the house clean. The bathroom really needs some shine, the kitchen counters ought to be disinfected again, and Alex's room has clothes all over the place. Don't ask me about my room. I blindfold myself before going in there to avoid crying. I'm just running low on energy. Over a span of 4 or 5 days, my stomach got harder than a freaking rock. I woke up one morning and went to work and went into the bathroom, and was shocked to see the protruding belly. So was Steven.

We went bowling, which was fun. Except my first game, second frame, I tore something near my groin. Not pretty. So I had to deal with that.

We have had a crazy work week. Monday I was still sick, so I went home after 4 hours, I was ready to die. Tuesday and Wednesday, we had to go in at 9:00, and work until 7:00. Yesterday we worked 8-4. We came home, and Steve started playing Kingdom Hearts and I went back to read up on what to expect the next few weeks. I had no clue about some of the stuff labor had.

I mean, I'm due July 11th. Thats like....10 weeks away. 10....weeks. It seems so close. I'm starting to think more in terms of after the birth, rather than the labor. I worry about the first bath. Will I accidentally drown my baby? I worry about trimming his nails. What if I accidentally cut too far? What if I drop him? Will he drink my breast milk?

Oy. These worries do plague me.

Another thing that plagues me is that lately, when I talk to my mom, I have nightmares about her trying to run my life that night. She takes my baby away like it's a toy or something-and it usually ends up with me killing her. Makes me wonder what is wrong with my head, just a little.

So yeah. A very brief update, but now that I'm back into it, I wont be to much of a hurry to let it go.

You ever do something you completely regret, and wish had never happened? Meant it to reassure you, but it didn't?

I just did something very stupid. I was trying to figure out how to set up a gmail account, and Steves gmail just came up.

Ever curious, I decided, well, why not? Let's see if Steve has anything interesting in here.

I was thinking maybe some baby magazine stuff, or a ring or something.

No, I found stuff from other girls. Or rather, stuff he sent. Granted, this was all right before he met me.
Unfortunately, some of the things that made me so happy-are now making tears slide down my face. He called someone else muffin.
He dedicated the song that I wanted to dance with him at our wedding to "the love of his live" some 6 months ago.
He sent tons of pictures-never has he sent me any.
And I look around me and think, you know, obviously he loves me now, seeing as he got a place with me and everything, right?

So why does it hurt so bad?
Why does my heart hurt?
Why do I feel betrayed?